ramblings of a hopeful romantic | 🎨 art blog: divo.waterfall.social | ☕ commissions: ko-fi.com/rdivo
they tell you to give ppl the benefit of the doubt cool yeah i approve but lets talk abt what happens after that. what happens when they catastrophically fail the benefit of the doubt check. well then they're confirmed for shit so FUCK them
i'm too fucking perfect to be subjected to gleeful denial of my depression on this bright fucking day. die 😑
NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE
i dont support dehumanizing ppl, im just mad 😑
just dealt some critical psychic damage folks its gonna take a while to recover but by god i will recover, hes a fighter hes a winner and above all hes a survivor, he is i and i deserve dignity just like everyone else. okay. in other words, im stressed because bad things happen.
it peaks at around 24 hours
it peaks at around 24 hours
*astral projects to the moment in my life when i can finally get the meds i need* FUCK
yo listen up heres a story
about a little guy that lives in a fucked up world
and all day and all night and everything he sees
is just fucked up like him
inside and outside
HHHHHHHH SUFFERING FUCKKKK BUT I HAVE TO DO IT
bad things happening at least im not involved its ok its ok itll be ok
also jsyk i have a godly set of pipes that i havent been able to use for years bc ive been surrounded by wretched miserable snobs who would shun and humilliate me for having the gall to enjoy a basic human pleasure without making it into a spectacle tailored to their "classical" "high brow" "cultured" tastes. eat my entire ass and choke on it
going thru hard times in my life rn :/ i know itll get massively better but the present moment is incredibly painful
so. a few days ago i fully realized that im gonna have to run away. and thats been a really hard thing to grapple with. bc id been in the slow torturous process of realizing it for months. and then its just like the last mental domino piece falling over and you just sit there. completely impassionate. completely cool-headed. as the tiny little voice in the back of your head that said "yes its bad, but you can survive this if you sit down and think about it fully rationally" just fizzles out. it was transformative.
but the thing that i wanted to talk about is this thing that happens every time i think about the day i leave, and every time im making preparations. my heart starts beating harder and faster. i wouldnt say its racing, it's not that dizzying. but nothing else makes it beat like that. and this whole time i thought. oh thats dread. oh thats anxiety. i have to get it under control. so i try these breathing exercises, and i don't feel like they do jack shit, but maybe i just need more practice. but today it happened again, and for the first time i thought, maybe its not dread. maybe its just excitement. maybe there isnt a massive disconnect between my conscious emotions about leaving this situation, which are overwhelmingly positive, and my physical response to it. maybe in the course of this nightmarish year i forgot what genuine unbridled excitement stemming from that elusive thing called a sense of direction and purpose felt like.
dude if it really turns out that changing my emotional and social environment, lifestyle, etc is not enough to override my monthly hormonally induced depressive episodes then ill have to get some kinda treatment. but it seems so far away in the future. damn. its so far down the list of fucking things. like... i cant get there. i physically cant get there. i find myself so horribly often frustrated because i cant get the thing. i cant (and it doesnt help at all to be surrounded by shit people who keep themselves deluded thinking that i can do anything and everything and are just completely disconnected from reality and dont listen to a damn thing i say) do things. theres just nothing. i cant do shit. i cant do anything. nothing that i want to do. nothing that i want, nothing that i need. i cant. theres just thing after thing after thing and the damn things overlap that i cant change, i cant move, i cant fucking exert positive change in the fucking world that fucking surrounds me and im told still exists out there even though i havent been able to see it in a year. (but i know its there, i dont doubt that its there, at least). fucking hell. im just in pain. i took painkiller in time so im not physically in pain im just brainfoggy and im kinda struggling to type words right now but its an effort that is worth it. you know i actually dont go back to read what i post here like ever? these kinds of posts i mean. journal stuff. but i want to go back someday. when things are better. what the hell was i talking about. frustration. i know frustration like the back of my hand. even as a little kid i remember getting frustrated and nobody ever taught me how to cope with it or with any negative emotion for that matter so heres a big fuck you to everyone who everyone who told me to suck it up and gave me nothing but worthless, absolutely worthless platitudes and bullshit. so i had to teach it all to myself, and as you can see its not amazing. unironically its not much, but its hard work. and im just sitting here. posting. and thats all i can do. and it fucks me up. i need help and im not getting help. i get told i get help, but its the opposite of that. i am just sitting here. im trapped. physically. and i hate being trapped. damn. whats done is done but i wish i had been in a place to talk to the people that i needed to take the plunge last year. and im just waiting for an email. im hoping that i can do it this year. well technically next year, but at the beginning of next year. but yeah. i cant do this shit alone. im not a one man show. i need help. i need to talk to people. i need support from ppl that actually have my best interests and goals in mind.
man i wish i was a i dont know how telling it is that ive been trying to figure out what to put here bc i keep getting distracted by daydreaming abt fantasy lives. escapism so much escapism and yet i cant escape. i missed my quick falling sleep window last night and then kept thinking about the kinda thing that i think about in these kinda times which is running away. except its even more implausible now. but i just keep thinking about it. i just keep thinking about it
having quite the neuro atypical day
hmm hmmm today i will get yelled at a lot. not looking forward to it
SOME PEOPLE WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THAT SOMETIMES I WANT TO DO SOMETHING LIKE MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT AND YET WHEN I TELL MY BODY TO MOVE AND DO IT IT DOESNT MOVE BECAUSE THERES SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY FUCKING BRAIN AND THATS THEIR FUCKING PROBLEM AND NOT MINE. ITS NOT WILLPOWER OR ATTITUDE. I HAVE SO MUCH FUCKING WILLPOWER AND ATTITUDE THAT IT PUTS PEOPLE OFF. ITS NOT A SHITTY PERSONALITY. EXECUTIVE DYSFUNCTION IS NOT MY PERSONALITY. NEVER WAS. NEVER WILL. MOTHERFUCKER. MY PERSONALITY IS NON STOP CRAZY AND IN A GOOD WAY. IM A FUCKING GENIUS. I CAN DO ANYTHING. IM SO GODDAMN KNOWLEDGABLE AND SKILLED. I WILL BITE AND CLAW MY WAY TO HAPPINESS SO GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY OR ILL GET YOU OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY CAUSE I ALREADY KNOW THAT EXISTENCE FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME IN THIS JOKERIFYING SOCIETY IS AN ORDEAL AND I AM NOT AFRAID
okay well i got access to SOME drugs. theyre not the prescription, because, um. the prescription is too expensive. which. im trying very hard not to make that make me feel like i as a person and my health is not worth the monetary investment, but. im just gonna keep trying to do that. and besides im pretty sure the money thing is mostly an excuse bc on some level they know that them being iffy and terrified of the prescriptions side effects alone is kinda selfish and unjustified and an asshole move lol. im pretty sure. im mostly sure. im pretty sure. anyway. im still gonna be doing the daily check thing cause i wanna know what the fuck this does to me if anything. im HOPING that it does good. dont worry its not fucking ableist antivaxxer covid denialist literal poison this time. i did my research. all the studies and meta analyses of studies. all the mice boogaloos. i know what the fuck im getting into. this one is worst case scenario it does jack shit all and i just keep watching myself slowly roll down the proverbial hill and occasionally stopping or pushing back the dead truck by hand a little until my real life starts (the gallon of racecar petrol in this metaphor). best case scenario i make like the mice and feel about as better as i would on imipramine, which is less strong than my presc (sertraline) but its pretty standard. OR im the fuckin lucky body and it works great. somehow. most likely scenario, its a bit of help. but the important part is that i think by taking the thing that they wanted me to take ive gained enough bargaining chips to ask for the desktop to be put in my room so i can work on it. but that could get complicated. but anyway. thats the thing im looking forward to tomorrow. zero expectations win again
what the fuck is wrong with my computer. it was fine yesterday. now i have to goddamn hurry up to get in on the bids on time and its working like hell
where are you people. its like 30 people. you say i need an englis tutor asap and then dont even check if someone replies? oml. i mean its only 3 pm. i dont know what anyones schedule is anymore but as a general rule ppl look at their computers at around 6 pm. so uhhhhhhi guess im just gonna hoard resources and make plans