✨ rené | 20 | he/him | ⚧️⚣ | personal chatter of a hopeful romantic | art blog: dv-art ✨
tw i mentally snapped. dont read this im horrified at myself
man i wish i was a i dont know how telling it is that ive been trying to figure out what to put here bc i keep getting distracted by daydreaming abt fantasy lives. escapism so much escapism and yet i cant escape. i missed my quick falling sleep window last night and then kept thinking about the kinda thing that i think about in these kinda times which is running away. except its even more implausible now. but i just keep thinking about it. i just keep thinking about it
having quite the neuro atypical day
SOME PEOPLE WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THAT SOMETIMES I WANT TO DO SOMETHING LIKE MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT AND YET WHEN I TELL MY BODY TO MOVE AND DO IT IT DOESNT MOVE BECAUSE THERES SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY FUCKING BRAIN AND THATS THEIR FUCKING PROBLEM AND NOT MINE. ITS NOT WILLPOWER OR ATTITUDE. I HAVE SO MUCH FUCKING WILLPOWER AND ATTITUDE THAT IT PUTS PEOPLE OFF. ITS NOT A SHITTY PERSONALITY. EXECUTIVE DYSFUNCTION IS NOT MY PERSONALITY. NEVER WAS. NEVER WILL. MOTHERFUCKER. MY PERSONALITY IS NON STOP CRAZY AND IN A GOOD WAY. IM A FUCKING GENIUS. I CAN DO ANYTHING. IM SO GODDAMN KNOWLEDGABLE AND SKILLED. I WILL BITE AND CLAW MY WAY TO HAPPINESS SO GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY OR ILL GET YOU OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY CAUSE I ALREADY KNOW THAT EXISTENCE FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME IN THIS JOKERIFYING SOCIETY IS AN ORDEAL AND I AM NOT AFRAID
okay well i got access to SOME drugs. theyre not the prescription, because, um. the prescription is too expensive. which. im trying very hard not to make that make me feel like i as a person and my health is not worth the monetary investment, but. im just gonna keep trying to do that. and besides im pretty sure the money thing is mostly an excuse bc on some level they know that them being iffy and terrified of the prescriptions side effects alone is kinda selfish and unjustified and an asshole move lol. im pretty sure. im mostly sure. im pretty sure. anyway. im still gonna be doing the daily check thing cause i wanna know what the fuck this does to me if anything. im HOPING that it does good. dont worry its not fucking ableist antivaxxer covid denialist literal poison this time. i did my research. all the studies and meta analyses of studies. all the mice boogaloos. i know what the fuck im getting into. this one is worst case scenario it does jack shit all and i just keep watching myself slowly roll down the proverbial hill and occasionally stopping or pushing back the dead truck by hand a little until my real life starts (the gallon of racecar petrol in this metaphor). best case scenario i make like the mice and feel about as better as i would on imipramine, which is less strong than my presc (sertraline) but its pretty standard. OR im the fuckin lucky body and it works great. somehow. most likely scenario, its a bit of help. but the important part is that i think by taking the thing that they wanted me to take ive gained enough bargaining chips to ask for the desktop to be put in my room so i can work on it. but that could get complicated. but anyway. thats the thing im looking forward to tomorrow. zero expectations win again
where are you people. its like 30 people. you say i need an englis tutor asap and then dont even check if someone replies? oml. i mean its only 3 pm. i dont know what anyones schedule is anymore but as a general rule ppl look at their computers at around 6 pm. so uhhhhhhi guess im just gonna hoard resources and make plans
waiting for the transcribeme entrance exam to tell me i passed section 1 so i can retry section 2 which i failed the first time... fuckk i should finish my signup to that private tutoring site in case this shit doesnt work out
im going to see the future here look
me: (making myself a cup of tea to get rid of congestion)
one of these fuckers: (sarcastically because its late) good morning
me: (trying to say hi but im too exhausted, depressed and a little bit miffed that my bodily autonomy is up to debate and also im nothing but a faker and a liar apparently) hmmh
the saintly spiritually ascended happiness-gurus who only ever want to help me: what the fuck. what the fuck did you just say to me. you fucking r*****. you fucking talk to me right fucking now or ill [some kinda fucking threat of violence] i cant believe how disrespectful you are when we treat you with nothing but respect. except for right now of course. because you lost your respect privileges you know. you crossed the line. and ive got to do something you know. pills arent going to fix this and you know it. this is all you. this is all your decision. stop playing the victim you fucking idiot. you think life is easy huh well its not. you think you can manipulate and extort people into having pity you subhuman? pills arent going to fix this. pills are only going to fuck up your brain. your brain is perfectly fine. you have only been putting on this fucking performance for months. or years. fuck you
just got subjected to numerous indignities aight. making a note of that. just so we dont forget. anyway. whether i get my fucking meds is still being discussed by biased third parties. chances arent good. but you know. anything could happen. think about it. if they had made up their mind on the matter then they wouldve already said so. and at least i know that they give a little bit of a shit about me bc they drilled me and argued with me for 34346434 hours. tho that might just be posturing. but you know anything could happen. think positive. btw that one ally is even more tenuous bc i just found out that uh he doesntt believe basically anything i say... like he says i know and i understand but he doesnt understand shit. ofc both of them think i exaggerate everything but straight out faking shit? thats a new one. pretty devastating. like........ they say they want to help me. i believe that they believe that. but that goodwill is wasted bc they dont believe me. so im like an unreliable narrator of my own shit. so yeah. as far as i know thats like a fundamental thing about trying to help someone. you dont have that, youre fucked. and theyre fucked. everyones fucked. god. defs not sleeping tongith. okay.
i think he did his fucking job. alright alright arlight
its so goddamn stupid to be stuck in a fucking concrete box where every day i have to tally up acts of violence and cruelty from the other 4 flesh puppets so i can update their threat level lmfao its INSANE its insane. its like a fucking videogame. these are not people. i mean i fucking know they are people but they make it impossible to form anything resembling a human relationship with them.
anyway as of today i have 1 conditional ally, 2 enemies (threat level 1 & 2) and 1 loose cannon. i really dont think shes malicious but shes also spineless so. i cant rely on her for anything. eh. could be worse
well. time to see if that series of events actually has any sort of impact on my relationship with these people. im hoping that its a positive one. you know. gotta think positive. i consider myself an optimist. like... regardless of whatever the fuck is the uh short term evolution of my relationship with them, i have complete faith that somehow ill figure out how to work things out for myself and the people i love. long term. i have faith in myself that im gonna do my best to make that happen. i can picture it perfectly, me 10 years from now, or hell even 5 years, who knows, it could happen, surrounded by people that i love, and im like: yeah right when i hit 20 The Plague descended upon us and like many others my life became absolute shit hell. but look at us now. we made it and things are so much better now. like. that is going to happen, even if i only reach that point 15 years from now instead of 10, and im willing to do crazy shit to get there. but now? short term? ive already done my best. and i will continue to do my best. but you know. its a two way thing. and im just hoping that the traffic on the other lane is not a complete disaster. thats all. like. any improvement is improvement. i think positive and my standards are minimal. i gotta let go. i cant control the thoughts and feelings and actions and reactions of anyone other than myself. it is what it is. i feel like i have to tell myself that more often. "it is what it is". cause its true. and honestly, i need a break and deserve a break. so yeah.
day after day nightmare after nightmare i have no money i have no control i have no freedom. im not going to graduate. i cant graduate. i have crippling depression and the only uninfected psychiatrist in the region is a crook. i sent in a job application. 5/10 business days for a response. i should send another application. surely they cant human traffic me if its remote work right? right?
THE THINGS I DO FOR LOVE
THE FUCKING THINGS THAT I DO FOR LOVE
its really not inconceivable that i have a stress headache from the weight of the world on my shoulders with all the stupid shit thats goin on in my life rn. its non stop attacks on my health. the emotional, spiritual, intellectual. so what if im eating bread and cheese drinking a cup of rosemary and chamomile tea with advocaat watching imdb's top rated he man episodes. at least here alone in the dead of the night in darkness and silence im at peace
you did good you did good you did good dont start with the critical thoughts without aknlowledging first that you did good and you finally read it.
still,, it took me five hours. and now its nine pm. and shes probably asleep. and what she wrote is "what can i do to help?". i know its great right???? its great. except i dont know. i dont know how to reply to that. i dont know what she can do to help me because the fucking therapist cant. shes giving me practical tools to apply to reality right now, technically, kind of. but not tools to accomodate my shit to do schoolwork. not yet. thats like an advanced thing. and thats a problem because thats like the most pressing thing in my life right now. i just. i just fffffffffff
progress. its progress. its progress. its forward. im not stuck. im not frozen in a living hell unchanging. its good. its good but dammit i dont know what to tell her. i have to talk to the therapist first and thats tomorrow, and. whatever. we'll figure it out. itll be fine. ITS FINE SHE DIDNT say anything other that HOW CAN I HELP YOU thats an AMAZING thing. im surrounded by people. who want to help me. god. god. i just need to wait. i just need. to wait. just wait. just wait. just.
tomorrow. we figure it out tomorrow. i just have to eat and sleep now. eat and then sleep.
im just. i just want to read a text without feeling a fucknig wave of excruciating pain. it doesnt work. it doesnt work when you tell me that the pain is in anticipation of something horrible that in the end doesnt happen. its not that. it hurts WHILE im reading a harmless string of words. i get all fucking fucked up leading up to it because its PAINFUL and i HATE that. i HATE IT. i just want everyone to shut the fuck up and stop talking to me!!! tw: suicidal ideation
i hsve te app open!!! the conversation open!!! progress!! progress!!!! im not looking at iit yetbut i will. just give me a minute to prepare. and relax. its not very llong. the opener is very nice and polite. uhhhjjh.
im halfway thru the process already. i SENT the TEXT i already did that and it was GREAT its PROGRESS CONGRATULATIONS now can you PLEASE pick up the phone. unlock it. whatsapp is already open. just look. just read. just look at it. just read what she replied. shes NOT gonna be angry, or disappointed?, shes not sick of you, youre not a burden or dragging everyone along with your bullshit, its fine, its all fine, its all gonna work out fine you jsut have to READ WHAT SHE WROTE