✨ rené | 20 | he/him | ⚧️⚣ | personal chatter of a hopeful romantic | art blog: dv-art ✨
you did good you did good you did good dont start with the critical thoughts without aknlowledging first that you did good and you finally read it.
still,, it took me five hours. and now its nine pm. and shes probably asleep. and what she wrote is "what can i do to help?". i know its great right???? its great. except i dont know. i dont know how to reply to that. i dont know what she can do to help me because the fucking therapist cant. shes giving me practical tools to apply to reality right now, technically, kind of. but not tools to accomodate my shit to do schoolwork. not yet. thats like an advanced thing. and thats a problem because thats like the most pressing thing in my life right now. i just. i just fffffffffff
progress. its progress. its progress. its forward. im not stuck. im not frozen in a living hell unchanging. its good. its good but dammit i dont know what to tell her. i have to talk to the therapist first and thats tomorrow, and. whatever. we'll figure it out. itll be fine. ITS FINE SHE DIDNT say anything other that HOW CAN I HELP YOU thats an AMAZING thing. im surrounded by people. who want to help me. god. god. i just need to wait. i just need. to wait. just wait. just wait. just.
tomorrow. we figure it out tomorrow. i just have to eat and sleep now. eat and then sleep.
everything was alright in the end. sure why not. im so fucking tiredddd why is everything like a federal fucking issue?? like i cant have one fucking day when there isnt Something. thats fucking stressful as all fucking hell. fuck this. fuck everything. therapist is super nice and helpful. life is a fucking hell
well. lets look at the bright side. we were gonna talk about my fuckibg trauma tmrrw so now i can tell her with certainty that my anxiety and avoiding what i rationally know to be fundamentally harmless and positive interactions w friends and classmates and professors and strangers is that the same interactions with certain ppl in my shit fuck home are not. that.
calm dowwwn bro. shes not trying to waste your time ok? it was the second session ever. the first one was just a meet and greet, she didnt mention any of this stuff.. of course shes gonna lay down the groundwork and the basic shit. she CANT read your mind and guess that you already know that thoughts lead to feelings lead to actions, and that you have to expose yourself to anxiety inducing situations instead of avoiding them, but it has to be a very gradual thing to prevent shock. she had to spell it out, it wasnt time wasted. everythings going ok
well. feelin like pure shit and im crying, again. im p sure this was not the intended purpose of the session. im just 2 emo 2 lift and everything is suffering, at the fucking moment.
its stupid bc the whole time she tries to give me all these good vibes and im just like *stares emotionlessly w tears streaking down face* "ok" like its nothing. just completely bounces off. i hear the words. i understand them. i feel like shit.
excited for tomorrow when i get to tell my therapist that it doesnt matter if i go to sleep at 10 pm or 3 am i rarely have the motivation to stop sleeping before im forced to get up for lunch or a class or in this case, an expensive therapy session and thats such a fucking SHIT way to exist like my limp flesh vessel is just getting dragged along to do the motions for 2-3 menial obligations, what the FUCK
IM JUST GONNA PRETEND LIKE I DIDNT JUST ACCIDENTALYL SEND HER A REALLY FCUING LONG MESSAGE OF NONSENSE STRINGS BC I LEFT THE PHONE FACE DOWN ON YM DESK ARE THE POWERS THAT BE MOCKING MEEE THATS WAS SO FUNNY I CANT EVEN GET MADED.... already apologized already anyway.
so let me break this voice msg down: 1) therapist gets 1 session moneys 2) secretary sends me a link to pay 3) the video call session happens.
if i want this, 1) i tell the secretary lets set up an appoint ment. 2) she tells me the days and times.
if i want to talk to therapist about the therapy itself, the number she gave me, thats her number. secretary handles all the clerical stuff. naturally, but she says that just in case, bless her.
THEN, this is the impoertant part. she says SHE's gonna send me all the info about payment and payment methods, and I tell her, do i want the appointment in that day and time.
ITS SIMPLE. BUT IT HAS ITS STEPS... OKAY.
what does that mean..... what does it mean... what did she mean. what do i who do i talk to now? the date. i have to set a date and time. but no. the payment first? or after that? thats definitely before the call happens. but do we work out the date right here in this wpp convo?? or with the other number?? no she said thats the therapist. to talk abt the therapy itself. but now shes talking like she hasnt given me the therapist's number yet. maybe she just forgot?? busy with other things? i KNOW this exchange could happen quicker if i just called her but when i forget about all this i want the info to be written down so i rembmer what the fuck is going on. so calling? in the last resort category.ill just talk to her more
WHY DID YOU SEND ME AN AUDIO?? AN FUCING AUDIOO??? YOURE KILLKIN ME DANIELA. IM DROWNING IN MY OWN SWEAT OVER HERE AND YOURE LKE "YEAH THIS SEEMS LIKE THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO CAN HANDLE AN AUDIO RECORDING OF MY ACTUAL HUMAN VOICE WITH ITS BOTTOMLESS COMPLEXITY AND NUEANCE". OHIHGH GOD WELL LETS. LERS HEAR IT. NOT LIKE I HAVE A CHOICE....
AAAAHUFIDHFHFSDHDSJF I REPLIED. I replied but it was a QUESTION so she has to ANSWER IT AND I HAVE TO READ THAT AND REPLY TO THAT BUT ITS okayyyyyyy because i already took that FIRST STEP (SEONCD? THIRD???) so the fucking anxiety and overexcitement is gradually very slowly wearing off and im handling this better by the second so SUC ON THAT. UCK ON THAT. IM DRINKING SO MUCH WATER
#NO FUCKNIG WNDER I CANT FUCKIGN I CANT TALK TO PEOPLE #IM JUST SWAPPING CLERICAL MESSAGES WITH A HEALTH PROFESSIONAL AND ITS THE END OF THE FUCKIGN WORLD #OH GOD @ ALL MY FRIENDS AND PEOPLE THAT ARE NICE AND I WANT TO TAL TO PLEASE FUCKING HOLD ON #IM TRYING TO FUCING STOP THIS MADNESS #therapyquest #caps tw3 notes
HJJGH THATS ACTUALLY HER SECRETARYS NUMBER OH WELLLLL NO WI HAVE TO TALK TO HER SO W WER CAN TALK DAYS AND TIMES,,, NO PROBLEM ITS ALL FINE.... SHES NICE..... GHNMNNM S
SHES PROBABLY BUSY ITS 3 PM ON A WEDNESDAY SHE MIGHT NOT EVEN LOOK AT HER PHONE UNTIL LIKE FRIDAY OR THE WEEKEND CALM DOWN. calm down. its fine. you already sent her what you wanted to say already anyway. BUT WHAT IF SHE NEEDS MROE CLARIFICATION, no shes not gonna. shes not gonna need that. shes like. a professional. its fine. it really is fine. but i HATE having an dead phone hbhhuyuyhgufngdenfsxdbe everythings going okay. right on track. right on it. right on the way to therapy town with a rlly trained and experienced person and friendly and approachable. oh yeah. oh yeah. yeah. dont worry. youll probably be able to turn your phone on again in like the evening. no more cut off incommunicado bs.