kissa you

✨ rené | 20 | he/him | ⚧️⚣ | personal chatter of a hopeful romantic | art blog: dv-art


Posts tagged psychs.txt:

how do i put this. i woke up to go the bathroom. and. the first thing i see with my own two eyes is the face of lupin iii. like the drawing. like. hes there. hes moving. hes smirking. i saw it. and then him and the gang walked away from the center of my vision into my periphery and melted away. AND... i went to the bathroom??? and they were all over the tiles...i just sat there and stared at the tile patterns that looked exactly like portraits of lupin iii characters. im losing braincells just writing this down but its true. man. okay. okay

ok i just took the first dose but its like a take before you go to sleep dose so im counting from tomorrow morning. its a big thing. but that just means theres a lot of active ingredient so thats a good thing.

okay well i got access to SOME drugs. theyre not the prescription, because, um. the prescription is too expensive. which. im trying very hard not to make that make me feel like i as a person and my health is not worth the monetary investment, but. im just gonna keep trying to do that. and besides im pretty sure the money thing is mostly an excuse bc on some level they know that them being iffy and terrified of the prescriptions side effects alone is kinda selfish and unjustified and an asshole move lol. im pretty sure. im mostly sure. im pretty sure. anyway. im still gonna be doing the daily check thing cause i wanna know what the fuck this does to me if anything. im HOPING that it does good. dont worry its not fucking ableist antivaxxer covid denialist literal poison this time. i did my research. all the studies and meta analyses of studies. all the mice boogaloos. i know what the fuck im getting into. this one is worst case scenario it does jack shit all and i just keep watching myself slowly roll down the proverbial hill and occasionally stopping or pushing back the dead truck by hand a little until my real life starts (the gallon of racecar petrol in this metaphor). best case scenario i make like the mice and feel about as better as i would on imipramine, which is less strong than my presc (sertraline) but its pretty standard. OR im the fuckin lucky body and it works great. somehow. most likely scenario, its a bit of help. but the important part is that i think by taking the thing that they wanted me to take ive gained enough bargaining chips to ask for the desktop to be put in my room so i can work on it. but that could get complicated. but anyway. thats the thing im looking forward to tomorrow. zero expectations win again

im going to see the future here look

me: (making myself a cup of tea to get rid of congestion)

one of these fuckers: (sarcastically because its late) good morning

me: (trying to say hi but im too exhausted, depressed and a little bit miffed that my bodily autonomy is up to debate and also im nothing but a faker and a liar apparently) hmmh

the saintly spiritually ascended happiness-gurus who only ever want to help me: what the fuck. what the fuck did you just say to me. you fucking r*****. you fucking talk to me right fucking now or ill [some kinda fucking threat of violence] i cant believe how disrespectful you are when we treat you with nothing but respect. except for right now of course. because you lost your respect privileges you know. you crossed the line. and ive got to do something you know. pills arent going to fix this and you know it. this is all you. this is all your decision. stop playing the victim you fucking idiot. you think life is easy huh well its not. you think you can manipulate and extort people into having pity you subhuman? pills arent going to fix this. pills are only going to fuck up your brain. your brain is perfectly fine. you have only been putting on this fucking performance for months. or years. fuck you

just got subjected to numerous indignities aight. making a note of that. just so we dont forget. anyway. whether i get my fucking meds is still being discussed by biased third parties. chances arent good. but you know. anything could happen. think about it. if they had made up their mind on the matter then they wouldve already said so. and at least i know that they give a little bit of a shit about me bc they drilled me and argued with me for 34346434 hours. tho that might just be posturing. but you know anything could happen. think positive. btw that one ally is even more tenuous bc i just found out that uh he doesntt believe basically anything i say... like he says i know and i understand but he doesnt understand shit. ofc both of them think i exaggerate everything but straight out faking shit? thats a new one. pretty devastating. like........ they say they want to help me. i believe that they believe that. but that goodwill is wasted bc they dont believe me. so im like an unreliable narrator of my own shit. so yeah. as far as i know thats like a fundamental thing about trying to help someone. you dont have that, youre fucked. and theyre fucked. everyones fucked. god. defs not sleeping tongith. okay.

dude ok im getting ahead of myself cause hes still writing the prescription but i should totally post once a day like.. my antidepressant journey and then ill know if theyre doing fuck all from the fact that i could actually keep doing it. thats sctientific research babes