ramblings of a hopeful romantic | 🎨 art blog: divo.waterfall.social | ☕ commissions: ko-fi.com/rdivo
can we make a blog called bad waterfall ideas where we suggest awful additions? ill go first:
-replace the background of every post with an animated GIF of a waterfall (stretched to fit the post). for ambiance
youre wholly entitled to your childhood nostalgia but becoming an adult is the best thing to ever keep happening to me. forget superhero power fantasies, there is nothing more empowering than the knowledge that you carry a little piece of the future with you. the power to break cycles, break the silence on things that need to be said loud and clear to the next generations. all ive ever wanted was to be a big thing with a scary face and a warm belly. i want to be a shelter or at least a lean in, i want to give back a little bit of the comfort that has helped me survive, and i want to teach them the things that i had to teach myself curled up in a corner alone hoping to avoid trouble. im done being bitter about that, and its one of those things that you cant tell is happening until theyre already behind you. all i have now is the patience and compassion of other people that touched me once maybe a long time ago but itll never dissipate
dude if it really turns out that changing my emotional and social environment, lifestyle, etc is not enough to override my monthly hormonally induced depressive episodes then ill have to get some kinda treatment. but it seems so far away in the future. damn. its so far down the list of fucking things. like... i cant get there. i physically cant get there. i find myself so horribly often frustrated because i cant get the thing. i cant (and it doesnt help at all to be surrounded by shit people who keep themselves deluded thinking that i can do anything and everything and are just completely disconnected from reality and dont listen to a damn thing i say) do things. theres just nothing. i cant do shit. i cant do anything. nothing that i want to do. nothing that i want, nothing that i need. i cant. theres just thing after thing after thing and the damn things overlap that i cant change, i cant move, i cant fucking exert positive change in the fucking world that fucking surrounds me and im told still exists out there even though i havent been able to see it in a year. (but i know its there, i dont doubt that its there, at least). fucking hell. im just in pain. i took painkiller in time so im not physically in pain im just brainfoggy and im kinda struggling to type words right now but its an effort that is worth it. you know i actually dont go back to read what i post here like ever? these kinds of posts i mean. journal stuff. but i want to go back someday. when things are better. what the hell was i talking about. frustration. i know frustration like the back of my hand. even as a little kid i remember getting frustrated and nobody ever taught me how to cope with it or with any negative emotion for that matter so heres a big fuck you to everyone who everyone who told me to suck it up and gave me nothing but worthless, absolutely worthless platitudes and bullshit. so i had to teach it all to myself, and as you can see its not amazing. unironically its not much, but its hard work. and im just sitting here. posting. and thats all i can do. and it fucks me up. i need help and im not getting help. i get told i get help, but its the opposite of that. i am just sitting here. im trapped. physically. and i hate being trapped. damn. whats done is done but i wish i had been in a place to talk to the people that i needed to take the plunge last year. and im just waiting for an email. im hoping that i can do it this year. well technically next year, but at the beginning of next year. but yeah. i cant do this shit alone. im not a one man show. i need help. i need to talk to people. i need support from ppl that actually have my best interests and goals in mind.
well. time to see if that series of events actually has any sort of impact on my relationship with these people. im hoping that its a positive one. you know. gotta think positive. i consider myself an optimist. like... regardless of whatever the fuck is the uh short term evolution of my relationship with them, i have complete faith that somehow ill figure out how to work things out for myself and the people i love. long term. i have faith in myself that im gonna do my best to make that happen. i can picture it perfectly, me 10 years from now, or hell even 5 years, who knows, it could happen, surrounded by people that i love, and im like: yeah right when i hit 20 The Plague descended upon us and like many others my life became absolute shit hell. but look at us now. we made it and things are so much better now. like. that is going to happen, even if i only reach that point 15 years from now instead of 10, and im willing to do crazy shit to get there. but now? short term? ive already done my best. and i will continue to do my best. but you know. its a two way thing. and im just hoping that the traffic on the other lane is not a complete disaster. thats all. like. any improvement is improvement. i think positive and my standards are minimal. i gotta let go. i cant control the thoughts and feelings and actions and reactions of anyone other than myself. it is what it is. i feel like i have to tell myself that more often. "it is what it is". cause its true. and honestly, i need a break and deserve a break. so yeah.