kissa you

its really not inconceivable that i have a stress headache from the weight of the world on my shoulders with all the stupid shit thats goin on in my life rn. its non stop attacks on my health. the emotional, spiritual, intellectual. so what if im eating bread and cheese drinking a cup of rosemary and chamomile tea with advocaat watching imdb's top rated he man episodes. at least here alone in the dead of the night in darkness and silence im at peace

wait shit i wrote the post but then i didnt post it and also gotta reply to a message FUCKk dont get mad. its no big deal its really nothing i ended up remembering and thats good. im just gonna do both things in rapid succession, now

wait shit i wrote the post but then i didnt post it and also gotta reply to a message FUCKk dont get mad. its no big deal its really nothing i ended up remembering and thats good. im just gonna do both things in rapid succession, now

i feel so much better now and to think that i started off the day by getting so upset that i fainted - oh my god i got so lucky that my head fell gently onto my bed. feeling faint? ALWAYS approach the nearest soft surface bc you rlly dont want a concussion on top of whatever knocked u out. street smarts

woke up, tried to get up, passed out. thats how my mornings goin so far

i just went on a walk within the legally stipulated outdoors timeframe of 3-5 pm on saturdays... oh yeah im feelin it.. the runners high. (brisk walkers high). cant wait to tell my therapist abt it

in the future,, i want to get a humidifier for my bedroom so i dont always wake up with congestion

hittin up therapists in my area!!!!! WAHOO

i want to realize that when everything is said and done school aint shit. like. i try to do the thing. i try to do the work. so i can put the knowledge in my head and the skills in my hands. so i can work with that. so i can do other things (beautifully put if you ask me). but thats all i can do really. just try. and thats what i do. but like. theres something so much bigger going on and thats what makes it so hard for me to do anything. including school. its like. i suffer. i suffer every day. i cry. yeah im still crying. its like the floodgates opened yesterday or really the day before except i didnt parse it as crying because im a distracted mess. and since then its been an almost continuous thing. im trying not to freak out about it. not to catastrophize. theres nothing wrong if i keep crying like every day for a while. that means that i need it (and god knows i need it). it doesnt mean this is gonna be me for the rest of all time or anything. it just means that i'm in pain. and ive been in pain for so long that i dont know what not hurting is like. or i do know, but im pretty sure thats moments when the pain gets so bad and/or persistent that i get numb as a response. hypoarousal and the like. but maybe some of those moments weren't like that, just not being in a lot of pain. i dont know, thats the thing. i dont know what normal is. i know that ive never been and will never be "normal" by anyone elses standards. but i also dont know what my own normal is or if i even have one. but thats beside the point. im just. in pain. feels like im bleeding all the time. its just the flow of the thing that fluctuates. can i heal? can i ever heal? ive had some pretty healing moments and conversations with people i love, i think. i remember the fact of having them, at least. not much about the moments themselves, or the people. because i have such shitty memory. i forget good moments that i want to remember. i forget people i love and the reassuring words they say to me and the things they do for me that i want to remember, even if it was the only thing i could ever remember. but i forget having felt feelings. and i lose that. i lose all that. what am i left with? the shitty things. the shitty people. the trauma. the regrets. and the shitty present, where im suffering and out of my mind, and i desperately need some sort of reminder that it can get better. but fine. maybe i cant have that. thats fine. ive accepted it. but i need something else, anything to keep me going. just, anything. to hold on to. so no, i cant take a test. i cant do an assignment. i cant even send a message. im writhing in pain. im crying my eyes out or waiting for a chance to do so every waking moment. i go to sleep and have nightmares that i forget about but they still somehow burn a fear into my memory anyway. im on fire. im sick. and ive been sick for so long that its made me weak and disoriented. something needs to change

i was feeling absolutely terrible a few minutes ago but now after an Ablution im just sad and tired. no sarcasm, thats progress! i was so hyped (which in my current emotional state is like a slight skip of the heart) to work on a translation but i cant do it bc i have to do some school shit and thats gonna drain all my energy. which is disappointing. but its fine. therell be another chance

invoking the strength of the "tuesday again? no problem...." dog rn

i relocated.... the day before yesterday everything was still up in the air, yesterday they said it was gonna be tomorrow and today i was hastily woken up w the news that theyd be coming in 2 hours.

so you can imagine im p shaken tired kinda nauseous (cars always do that to me) and very slowly settling down

feeling a LOT better now oh yeah. its always right at 10 am

i kind of feel like death but im hoping that it goes away with some mental and physical activity

not gonna shower rn. maybe later in the day. just a quick wash for now...

i currently only keep my id in a clear sleeve and leave my bank card naked so the plastic doesnt like... disrupt the magnetic reading or sth. but does it make a difference? ive been thinkin to get another sleeve for max protection n hygiene

shower moisturizer is a life saver cause i cant fathom taking time out of my day to stand at the sink putting stuff on my face waiting for a while and then taking it off. just writing that out bored me to tears i could never

if you ever think: nah its not worth the effort to get up n make a hot water bottle. i can promise you it is so worth it. for a variety of pains and aches. oh my god. its so good. even if it makes me yearn for my future cat and the hours of cuddling we'll share. a warm life on top of my own.

i *want* to leave the window open and relish the white rainy foggy morning but the cold breeze is making my frickin bones hurt so i cannot

i was wondering why my body feels so stiff and tired. then i remembered oh yeah im cramping right at this moment. thats what happens with cramps