kissa you

✨ rené | 20 | he/him | ⚧️⚣ | personal chatter of a hopeful romantic | art blog: dv-art


Posts tagged dream journal:

goemon in my dreams again :) jigen too. wtf my brain is so powerful. unlucky for me i was lupin and they bailed on me when the tanks came. i found them at the central park in little italy, new york and i was like how could you do this to me. but then i realized the park was a good idea bc it was full of people and like. kids playing hoop and stick. so they couldnt bring the tanks in there. did we get away? probably.

oh yeah i had a bunch of dreams it was so many. content warning for a buncha shit that are reocurring themes in my head and life

it ran the whole gamut: arguments with family that are like stylized so its not how they actually go down but its capturing the vibe. a lake that operated more like a pool with distinct depth levels and all around the border it tapered to a beach sand floor. and a bunch of lupin iii shit. like. omg. you would think that im TRYING to have these fuckin characters live in my head rent free. maybe i am, subconsciously. get a load of this. in one of them i am goemon the prettyboy samurai and im using my sick samurai athletics to run away from home pursued by the entire japanese police force. but the home im running from is my real home :) okay wish fulfillment... at one point in that saga i become like. zenigatas partner?? im working with him. i see the silhouette of goemon in a croatian bar. we go in but its just a dummy. thats a classic. anyway i stop by the counter to get a bottle of alcohol. i know thats not how bars work. i dont know what, but not beer because beer tastes gross. but it looks like they only have beers and huge packets of food coloring. im like why tf do you have these? but they dont answer. im just trying to get something good and theres a money anxiety component from handling the bills back and forth. meanwhile zenigatas like were right in the middle of chasing a high profile criminal and youre wasting time buying booze?? but hes way less agitated about this than i would expect him to, so im really not convinced of the urgency of what hes saying. anyway i get champagne and something else. man i have weird relationship with alcohol. then that story went on for a while until it changed to this other thing where me the person was just hanging out with the 3 stooges aka lupin gang. and i was madly in love with the prettyboy samurai goemon and i was like flirting with him and he was doing the aloof thing but he let me hug him and i leaned on his chest and he had the wonderful scent of clean linen

batman: tas batman sleeps in pyjamas but with the mask still on. zoom out and catwoman is doing the same thing and is clinging to him. even more zoom out and joker and harley quinn are also there.

then it cuts to alfred whos still awake in the kitchen trying to perfect a recipe and it looks amazing, but there are bats outside the big tall windows trying to get in and thats distracting. its like 3 am. joker walks in like he owns the place and talks way too loud and takes the cup of coffee that was supposed to be for bruce.

bruce is so pissed off about the coffee that he goes out as batman to moodily swing around the city with robin and complains about having to put up with the three of them (possibly a polycule???) and robin just nods along meanwhile his internal dialogue is like "but you're the one who brought them in"

(this was just the last dream, the rest are below)

first a novel about a kid who wanted to be a theater triple threat against his parents wishes and there were a lot of trains and train stations with a slate blue palette, and hats/headgear acted as symbolism for occupations/your place in society so it was up to me, his whimsical young adult friend and train employee, to deliver a purple wig to him and say something motivational.

then a futuristic apocalypse in a big white-blue mall with a lot of chrome and clear glass and a huge drugstore section where the vibrant colors of the products popped out. people used makeshift colorful weapons to raid it for medicine sinc that was scarce. there were way too many people trying to get in and it was very confusing. then we took it outside and it turned into the standard urban chase dream.

third was hannah montana before her rise to fame hired a camera crew to film a music video in her neighborhood and they told her that camera operating was a cutthroat business bc once they signed a contract they couldnt stop rolling the camera without being told to and they couldnt tell anyone about what they witnessed. one guy said he had to film someone mess up their fingers. and hannah was just like. wow im just a teenager i didnt know the truth abt showbiz...

had a dream that i went back to croatia for the next lvl language course and met w a lot of ppl again. it was so emotional. btw the way we found each other was that i was woken up by noise outside my window in the dorm so i went to investigate (also it was a bitter winter this time) and they had broken into my rented car (wholly fictional. also they just picked the lock, somehow didnt break anything. appreciate it) so they could be warm while they performed a kpop fan ritual out in the middle of the snow. we laughed the whole thing off and i invited them back to my dorm room. we didnt even all fit in there but it was ok bc one guy preferred to stand outside playing on his nintendo switch

deep breaths. i think it was an expression of the frustration i feel when i cant sleep and it feels like im trying to stay alert to potentially escape some unknown threat that could get to me at any moment (anxiety brain showing its scared animal roots)

so my brain turned that into a nightmare abt being persecuted by the army n i woke up just as they got to the door, which i didnt realize until now is one of if not the most terrifying thing like. ever. not like "aaah what if monster in the dark" scary, but "this is a real thing that still happens and it has happened in this same country, province and city, and its like an important part of our history"

so this is me telling myself that even tho its pitch black outside like in the dream and the house is all locked up bc of the cold so it feels like a stage, and its silent and everyones sleeping, no theres no army. theyre not coming for me or anyone else. its may 2020 the elections were last year and its just a democracy, no its not militarized. yes the army is there but its just a drain on the budget and they fly for free to have cocktail parties in like, monaco n shit. nobodys coming for us. its all safe

@_@ should i call it micro sleepwalking? my jaw didnt get the memo to stayed relaxe irl no matter how much talking and screaming happened in the dreamz... arms too, what the hell?

and all of this for some dream abt teenage bullies disappearing every night so when the jerk in our friend group (?) disappeared too we went to find and rescue his soul at the uni campus (but it looked like a castle. of course)

oh GOD just woke up screaming for help.. cw: fucked up psychological nightmare if you think it might be upsetting it prolly is

he violated my bodily autonomy. stepping on scales. pills. hair. hair tie. i cried for help, i sobbed horribly shutting down completely. they didnt care. then i pulled myself together and i explained everythitng to her making rational arguments. she didnt care. he came back for more. she didnt stop him. "i can do whatever i want whether you like it or not". and then i screamed.

its not real. its not real. yes all the elements were taken from real experiences but it was all exaggerated to an unrealistic degree. no that didnt happen. it didnt. listen. hes so disgusted by you he would never dare touch you again (except incidentally, which has no feeling). dont be afraid. dont be. just calm down. thats what a nightmare is. these are the fears you dont even realize you have. im not helpless.

had a dream where i kissed a guy and i was the one who came on to him and everything but somehow i knew deep down that he was straight and perceived me as female. which is like my worst nightmare. so like. its got me thinkin abt the things that i always think about. identity. love. relationships.

its awkward to have one arm out of the closet flailing against the hard wooden door and its frustrating to be in a goddamn global quarantine just in the middle of your delayed teenagehood when you want to experiment and do crazy shit and go on dates with ppl and make misakes and learn and experience and learn.

and i might be still in the process of defining my own gender and sexuality but what i have for a fact is 2 perfect labels (gay + trans), a big time disconnect from womanhood and an emotional restraining order against cishet men

ok well there was ONE part that was sick... a mid 2000's book series for preteens called "The Gaysics: How to Life as a Confused Weenie" where a punk 13 yo lesbian helps her friend, bumbling nerd boy, realize that hes gay and also gives him general life advice

this segment had the tone of a sitcom and it was pretty damn hilarious

cw: stabbing (nothing graphic), father ment (not real), kinda lots of text

gdi i went little ways down the wrong dark alleyway in the sports car i stole from my older brother and even tho i started backing up right away this gang shanked me to all hell and threw sugar on my wounds (i just looked it up, it apparently actually helps healing so... thanks??)

then i finally get home through a stressfully narrow street that's all residential so there are families with their kids out on the sidewalk like get out of the way!!! i dont have a license!!!! its like 4 am but the front door is unlocked cause my adopted dad is back from his trip :')

he takes one look at my shounen protagonist-lookin scars and hes like I Told Ya (hes a cool old cowboy) and im like yeah yeah i know im sorry!!! (not for being stabbed i think, i trashed the house with wild parties while he was gone) but hes very understanding so, thanks cowboy dad.

so were having a snack together and im still in pain and mad about the stabbing so i ask him what was even the point why would they turn away anyone whos not a member, i mean dont they want clients? i mustve forgotten how gangs work... but he didnt reply to such a dumbass question. good call.

does sleeping with your arms above your head guarantee fucked up dreams? uhhhh i jsut wanted to nap

cw: alcohol ment, attack on titan ment (i havent watched it), lots of text and none of it is coherent

i was on a desert train tour. i was a spooky skeleton. the houses were full of cats. i was despised by the tourists. i was myself on the trip. and the skeleton at the same time. i took all the bottles of alcohol out of a pantry to see which ones actually had anything left and mix some drinks. i was in zagreb. i reached a pop culture museum amusement park and followed the sign to the real museum bc it was borderline copyright infringement. i skipped around the streets with no care. i was in my hometown. there was an art auction in the cathedral. i was myself with a highschool classmate. in a shopping mall. we met a college classmate in a painting class and then i went out having grabbed two fixtures, a rainbow flamingo and a gradient jackolantern night stand. i jumped over the mechanical stairs. there was no room in the car. i started reorganizing everything at an efficient pace to make room. they asked me how long itd take, i said id be done by nightfall, from a family member. black bulletproof vests. three rainproof coats with broken zippers. in one of the boxes i found attack on titan screenshsots from a bonus season where everyone became mercenares. in one of the boxes i found drawings by my ex best friend. i watched the most recent transformers show. optimus prime was in trial by everyone else. they were reviewing video evidence. the animation was monochromatic with purple accents. he was guilty.

gonna write this down to get it out of my head

cw: war + military stuff discussion, nazi ment

last night i had a buncha interconnected dreams abt being caught in the middle of a war which i think i shouldve seen coming since the military occupation plotline is so big in pathologic/2 and thats not leaving my head anytime soon. also the other night i watched the sound of music which i knew nothing about so the ending where the whole family is literally running away from the nazis fucked me up pretty bad! it was extremely distressing which i guess makes it a very impactful story but holy shit i wowww it was so hard im never gonna be able to sing the hills are alive without thinking of those last couple scenes!!!!

the dreams were a mishmash of all that and my own knowledge abt the military occupation in argentina in the 70's... as well as some anxiety abt travelling and packing things. i dunno. it had a blueish grey color palette. there were some light hearted moments too. i dunno. i dont want to have these kinda dreams. lets not do that

i keep having dreams about cutting my earphone wire with scissors and i hate it!! i had the misfortune of watching a prank video where they did that like 2 years ago and it was probably fake but my brain doesnt care. i paid a lot for these. please lets just. not.

had a dream that the bachelor route for patho 2 came out n it had a pretty intense dark red palette. oh also.the infected that slowly roam the streets? they could get aggressive and start running at you at any moment. it was terrifying. there was a buncha other stuff going on with politics and signing a treaty too...

apparently there was a gnarly tremor at 3 am but i was too busy dreaming about cowboys to notice

(lots of text ahead)

i was pardners with artemy, who was a light hat cowboy, and we picked up daniil, a black hat cowboy, as he was running from the evil futuristic law.

there was a seemingly endless tavern scene, where we spent a buncha time arguing in whispers about how to get to daniil who was sitting on the other side of the room, artemy told me to just walk up to him but i asked the guy next to us if its rude to be walking around while the servers are carrying plates and stuff and he said yes. so i said we should call a server and have *them* deliver the message.

but before we could do that folk music from my region started playing. it was the one song thats really pumpin' and i was like come on lets dance!! but it was *his* turn to be a self conscious square and he was like noooo lets not attract attention. it didnt matter anyway cause the music cut off bc it got to an atheistic lyric (i dont?? think theres one in the real song?) and everyone stared at the singer and he was like welp im heading out.

a while later we travelled by bus to the city where all those old cartoon network bumpers take place where the characters are crossing over livin their normal lives. here regular humans lived and the cartoons were like huge celebrities bc there were a bunch of big signs and wall paintings and graffitti, and a museum to boot.

i went into the museum and im starting to think that big light open plan interiors with angular designs and tasteful mirrors freak me the fuck out a bit, cause they keep popping up in my dreams and theyre super foreboding. the bathroom was huge and spotless and of course there would be a giant mirror in there, also there were multiple groups of rows of stalls with walls in between... just dizzying

some scary stuff happened and there were car chases and walks to the park in a hybrid ancient greek-19th century-modern city setting and the evil futuristic law were these floating robotic orbs with tentacles with nebulous goals. and i guess at some point it ended

had a rlly nice dream that turned into nightmare at the very end... woke up spooked

cw: final exam stuff (nothing bad but it just sticks in my mind in this season), porn ment

we were staying at a tropical hotel for a safari and i was in my room picking out my clothes to change but then chris fleming appeared in my panoramic window wearing the gayle costume and started going on about how he needed to find the meaning of life and i was like "thats all nice and good neil good luck with your heroic search but i need to find my SOCC" and that last part had reverb. for a moment he froze and then he skipped away wildly but then he ran back and stared at me with his bulging eyes and said "MmmmMARRY ME"

so. i smiled and winked at him with a winking sound effect n i started vogueing and playing a dainty 19th century damsel and rejecting him like "oh Reginald but i could Never" and shit like that. and he was playing the corresponding part and we were having like an improv competition with that gimmick. we constantly one upped each other with more outlandish stuff.

at some point i picked up a scrap of copy paper and we were accompanying our dialogue with pencil doodles of the crazy scenarios. i dont know if all this had a conclusion but chris if you ever read this i just invented a new stand up format

oh yeah no turns out that lil session was a final exam and when we were done he wrote down my grade on this lil report card thing thats obsolete bc all the grades and exam info gets uploaded to a virtual database.

so i ran out of there and my friends were waiting for me outside! we performed an elaborate passing around of the report card notebook and then one of them wanted to know what grade i got (i already knew it was full marks bc we just Vibed in there)

ok heres the scary part so last warning. i opened up the notebook to find the grade, and i saw that all over the margins, in every empty space there were... porn doodles. just straight up nsfw blue pen sketches. bc i thought this paper thing was obsolete bc of the virtual database. and i had been handing that out to every single prof for who knows how long.

i screamed

oh man i had a dream that i went on a cramped bus trip for school with classmates and professors and also some parents (but not mine) and we went to an amusement park and a carnival and some natural sights and the whole time i keep flirting between these 3 girls to decide who im gonna give a big plastic diamond ring to make my girlfriend at the end of the adventure.

tw: animal death ment, school bs, falsely accused

also at some points before or after i went on dates with some of my yt crushes (gfwfjfddsg) and i was wearing a glittery blue magician outfit and the first one had a glittery pink short dress on and the second one had a glittery green dress on...

but problems kept happening in that the soccer coach had it in for me bc he thought that long ago when he went to one of the nascar races id stolen his little dog and thrown it off a cliff, depriving him of his only joy, and one of the moms was annoyed that i would kick the back of her seat when the engine made horrible unbearable whistling noises, and another mom would insist that i stole her mustard sandwich and her croissant.

and a couple of other things so they were telling all this to one of the profs and she was like ok thats 2 strikes for you. 3 strikes and youre gonna have to do calculus. im like ok. but then i turn around and explain to my girlfriends that i dont give a fuck. this trip doesnt even matter. why should i be the one worrying abt consequences when so many other kids in the bus are doing worse shit and getting away with it. i guess this is highschool but my 15-16 yo body has my 19 yo level of maturity on these matters.

but in any case i decide to leave everything on record n avoid friction so during a stopover i go out to find one of the profs who isnt completely turned against me, aka john cena in a suit, and tell him all about the false accusations and my sensory issues so he can write it down. and just when im about to tell him abt the sandwich thing, i say irl "this is about..." and im awake

oh my god okay. i Just remembered that i had a dream that i dyed my hair pitch black, but like with very intense blue reflections and undertones.... so the dense parts looked black, but the edges and the thinner parts were blue... it was amazing here ill try to draw it now

im just gonna make some notes abt my dreams and then see if i elaborate

oreo addiction montage

tsunere alternative anime girl at construction site with long blue hair, a black hoodie, striped black and white sleeves, long socks and neon sneakers

trying to flirt with irl tuxedo mask (he turned me down :/)

i met him at a valentines day class activity

i tried to give him my number but my phone wasnt loading the notes app so i got in his car and it took a ride all the way to his house on the other side of the city to load the number

we held a good convo but every move i made he turned me down

like he asked me why i wanted him to have my number completely ignoring the romantic subtextand i was like :) so we can talk. and send messages. youre so funny. i love your sense of humor. and so interesting

and he was like uh huh uh huh

then we got to his house and it was a construction site. it was raining

he was sooooo good looking

had a dream that i was airport staff and i met keith haring and i saw that somehow he had my drawings and i got rlly upset and embarrassed but he was like theres nothing to be ashamed of. and we held each other and then parted ways

i had a buncha dreams ough ok in summary

cw: mother mention, mention of money anxieties

i used the abilities used by the protag in a comic im writing to escape the mansion of a powerful evil scarlet queen and also i dressed like and imitated her deceased mother,the black queen, so when ppl saw me they thought it was a miraculous apparition, all so we could overthrow her

the other dream was that i was the youngest kid of the narnia siblings but also i was like prince of caspian teenage age. the ice witch cursed the 19th century city and made aslan giant, like kaiju sized and with frost powers to terrorize the population. and the witch gave peter a giant ice sword so he would slain aslan and lift the curse.

peter didnt want to play into the witches hand though and i had been to an item shop where i asked if they allowed weapons and he said "yes, but not inside" which i interpreted as a clue that there was an underground maze quest in the back of the shop. so.

i told peter to give me his sword and to hold off the basically apocalypse outside the shop so i could go in and buy items that would help me survive the quest, which was the key for everything?

and the items were... groceries. i was buying groceries. and somehow the transaction was so complicated it brought out a bunch of money anxieties i dont wanna talk about. it got ridiculous.

and just as i was chasing a thief whod stolen the money i left on the counter to... count it, i went outside and everyone was lined up w the characters from wizard of oz waiting for me. the curse was lifted somehow. ok

so to celebrate i went back to being myself and my friends were parading around in orange and black carioca costumes. fuck this

im sorry im still mad. "forgot to bring materials". what are you talking about? first few days we go over the syllabus and then everyone goes out for coffee to catch up. bada bing bada boom

uguguhjg had a stupid nightmare about the first day of school i was 45 mins late and forgot to bring some material (on the first day??) and when i tried to say hi to classmates they were like almost ignoring me. fuck off, thats not gonna happen in a million years

had a rlly long and complex dream last night that i was god tier john egbert and i zapped into a timeline where adult rose, dave and jade explained that i had disappeared under mysterious circumstances so i teamed up with the stranger things kids to investigate. we accidentally discovered the secret evil underground fallout-style lair of gray mann from tf2 which consisted of two parts. first we went through an abandoned overgrown industrial lab with futuristic devices and a bathroom without walls (??)

thats when i heard voices and separated from the rest and went to the next part, which was like... an outdoor cocktail party. but the sky was pitch black and i realized that it was an underground bunker... mann's rich friends were standing around talking about how they were safe from the apocalypse there. and mann himself was sitting at a table with his son (???? original character do not steal) who was a blond british guy with a lot of plastic surgery. he was talking non stop and mann was just looking at him thinking (correctly) that he was gonna try to kill him and take his fortune, so he was planning how to get rid of him first without a fuss

but then he saw me. kind of. im not sure, maybe he heard me. thing is, he looked my way and called over a big dieselpunk robot with big guns and told him to sweep the lab. so i took off, the stranger things kids had already left through a secret passage in the bathroom but i couldnt find it so i went into a place that was like the control point room from the coldfront map and hid near the machine that looked like the point. while i waited for the robot to go away i saw a notebook on the floor. i picked it up and it had letters from me to mann (DUN DUN DUNN)

these letters revealed that i had been his science assistant in some engineering experiments that were originally harmless science but eventually they became the tools for mann to bring about the apocalypse (with like superweapons and stuff) and when i realized that i went into this machine and vaporized my particles to trigger me from another timeline going into this one to stop the evil plan

after that im not sure if there was a conclusion, at some point the robots were chasing me and a cavalcade of irl friends and fictional characters through the meat freezer in a restaurant supply market and we made it out ok...

did not expect to spend most of my nap dreaming of browsing an imaginary microblogging platform while knowing that im dreaming and giggling at all the funny kinda-nonsense posts, and then thinking that i woke up and opening up wf and posting "i love hellthe hollohco its a site that exists entirely within the confines of my mind", but then waking up in dream again and opening up wf and seeing that id been posting a bunch of hellthe hollohco stuff and going into ppls inboxes so everyone was like hello? are you okay?? what is this? and thinking "okay, but theres no way they can kick the dog twice", but they did kick the dog twice and by that i mean i kept thinking that i woke up until i got tired and went thru a bunch of levels of dream quickly until i finally opened my eyes for real. i have a slight headache now

hellthe hollohco has a black and blue and vibrant green palette btw