✨ rené | 20 | he/him | ⚧️⚣ | personal chatter of a hopeful romantic | art blog: dv-art ✨
day 39 dude that one started with a bang (in a bad way) and then i was just in problem solving mode for hours and hours until i ran out of brain and the elements got to me so i was unconscious for most of it. thats just. a huge mess. but at least there was no external conflict
now its day 40 and hey wow i had trouble sleeping bc i had done so much of it durign the day yesterday but then got some uninterrupted hours before waking up early so refreshed. not like fake refreshed that lasts 2 hours before you crash, like actually refreshed. the ghost of sleep hormones are sated and gone and i cant call them back by lying down relaxed for a while. thats the first weird thing. the second weird thing is that i woke up and drank like a liter of water. thats not the weird part hydrating is important. but when i was done i was still ridiculously hungry. which is great bc that means im not messing with that metric with just water. and i ate a bunch of stuff. notably like half a bagette and half a can of canned pineapple. dont ask me why the half motif. anyway. im continuing to solve a couple of problems today and goddamn is it annoying to have to deal with something that cant possibly be tied up and forgotten about within a day or two. thats my fatal flaw. my aversion to the protracted messes that are nothing but natural in life
day 36 my last update was 4 days ago?? fuck dude. if theres one thing ive learned from this is that i dont know what kind of person it takes to be able to journal every single day including periods of extreme emotional distress. like... how do you make words come out of your brain. how do you even remember that journaling is a thing that youve been doing. i just dont have that level of clarity when im really really really really going through it and it kinda makes me think that it may not be just some sort of crippling anxiety that ruins my attempts to stay in touch w people. anxious thinking is what keeps me from going through the motions of heyy sorry i blacked out of existence for a bit but im trying to do this again. but i dont think its anxious thinking that makes me black out in the first place. i think its just that when im fucked up to hell i cant do shit, whether thats communicating or just typing words risk free commitment free accountability free into my mini echo chamber. just food for thought. i did make some other posts in the meantime. a couple of fleeting thoughts and feelings in the middle of question marks and sea foam. anyway. i dont think these meds are doing jack shit! i think its just the coffee. but thats not a terrible discovery. caffeine might just be my placeholder. life saver until better things come to pass
day 32. hey no more back pain. id been having back pain for a couple days but now its gone without me actually changing my habits. i guess even though i spend so many hours sitting i made a conscious effort not to do it extremely incorrectly anymore. tomorrow is gonna be busy bc i have to make an important call first thing in the morning and then i want to get to cutting my hair... ok what are my priorities. 1) call 2) work 3) cut hair. so i might not get to do it, but i hope i can fit it in. ok now im talking about tomorrow instead of today. today was regular. i got up 1 hour later than usual but it was the right call cause i was extra refreshed. plus i actually got to slip into sleep last night holy shit!!!!!! okay. when youre someone who is not super in harmony with their sleep cycles, i cant even describe the feeling of sleep weighing down on your whole body slowly slowly but solidly. and instead of dismissing it bc you have to fuckin stay up for some godforsaken reason which means theres no chance itll appear again for like the next 4 hours, you just let it happen. and slide down. and it comes down on you like a big heavy blanket. and since its some sort of hormonal thing, unless youre actively fighting it, it does the shutting off your thoughts for you, one by one. its progressive. but it turns off the lights one by one and you consciousness dissolves like candy in your mouth. dude. its awesome
day 31. things are good. i feel fine. i slept well. okay heres the thing. if you lived your formative years in a small town without a public transport system and then moved to a city and got on a bus, you know the first few times are a wild ride. its moving all over the place and youre not 100% sure where to put your hands and feet so you dont fuckin fall over. but people whove been riding the bus for years are fine. theyre not even thinking about it their body just sways along with the movement and balances itself. thats me right now. i think its called resilience. the bus doesnt stop moving just because i learned to move with it and it could still crash and if that happens ill just have to deal with it bc i wasnt at the wheel. so stability. i dont have stability yet. im not at my stop yet. the bus is moving and it can go well or it can go badly but at least im not shaking all over the place and the current level of movement isnt enough to topple me over. and thats valuable you know.
day 30 oh my GOD a month. its only been one month. it feels like a whole year since i started. man. time compressed and expanding elastically. is this what they mean by living in the moment... maybe... its 11 am. i got a good chunk of work done. i dont think im gonna need to nap this afternoon so that gives me more time to myself. delicious. a buncha new people got hired yesterday and i think my impeccable communication skills, extremely deliberate confident tone and bubbly demeanour made them think that i know what im doing. and theyre kinda right. but i only started 2 weeks ago. so. wish i could help them more bc im a natural teacher. hah. i dont know if i had the kinda confidence to say that one year ago. thats progress. anyway. yeah ive got great rapport with several coworkers and a good chunk of solidarity. im a little bit nervous bc i had a short back and forth w a coworker about payday and i gave him the whole thing about "yeah i hope Man holds up his end of the deal" and "if anything goes wrong, i gotchu back". you know. worker solidarity. but neither Man nor anyone else can read those without first going thru this whole legal process, so its just not gonna happen. trust me. guys got other priorities. what else. oh last night despite the frickin water pressure problem i was too stubborn to miss out on the relaxing warm evening shower that i deserve, so i just heated up water on the stove and put it in a basin and leisurely washed myself with that and with a warm wet towel like it was the frickin 2nd century or something. by the way. you got a bit of dull back pain? try wrapping a warm, wet towel around your shoulders and neck. it is so relaxing i almost fell asleep like that. uh. and yeah i took a proper shower this morning. im having a normal one i think
day 29! its amazing how many things you can get done sometimes in just 2 hours. felt like time was frozen or sth. i was truly in the zone. also sorted things out w my client. things are going well. somethings wrong w the piping which means i cant take relaxing warm evening showers for now but thats just more motivation to keep up w morning showers. god its so good. hey. hey me? there has never been a good sensory day that didnt involve at least 1 shower. there are 0 downsides. im on the shower every day 4 life life. wouldnt want to live in any other era of human history before modern plumbing.
day 28 what how did i miss 2 days in a row. dont worry i take my meds like clockwork, its become a reflex unless something interrupts me in the middle of the reflex, in which case i might put down the pill, so i get through the process as fast as possible. pop the bottle open, shake out pill into hand, put water in mouth and swallow the pill with it. im insane bc sometimes ill swallow it dry bc i dont have water in my line of sight. survive adapt evolve. anyway day 26 and 27 kinda blend together bc i get up early to work, do some stuff on or off in my own time, lunch, nap and then do something else before clocking in again for the evening. it ends at 10 pm and im trying my best to sleep early you know? the important thing is that im trying and that 50% of the time when i get up i immediately shower. actually i love showering first thing in the morning so let me see if theres anything that prevents me from doing it every single day of my life since i graduated high school.
towel availability - check
water heater - check, its always hot from the night before
bathroom availability - check, im always first
the mere act of getting up - ok its kinda hard but sometimes its not hard at all. i think i need to make arrangements for a new bedside cold water bottle since i dont have my old one anymore and getting up gets sooooooooo much easier when i insta rehydrate. like rehydrated ganon
clean clothes availability - yeah i think this is the big one. cause i dont have an outfit ready every single day. so i just get out of the shower, go into my room and waste a lot of time just standing there bc i dont have a new full outfit to slip into. i cant get to te root of the problem in my current situation but i can alleviate it by setting aside 1 late morning/afternoon to shrink my laundry. progress
uhhhh i think ill meet my work goals this week, im working hard to make it happen and oh mr man keeps learning the art of words and explanations. he even put a little explanation under the fuckin obscure name of a task in the slack server. im so proud of him. lea me alone im allowed to have a tiny bit of condescending thoughts towards my informal employ/er.
in conclusion, i have all episodes of lupin iii part i on my pc for obsessive compilation purposes and it is so much better the second time around bc all of Hayao Miyazaki and Isao Takahata's brilliance is enough to wash off the bitter taste of staunch misogyny in the early eps. FACTS
day 25 i worked on a decent computer for the first time in months or it mightve been a year and uhh lets just say its great for my self esteem and sanity to have access to tools that actually help me do things. so yeah. also it rained and it was very nice and cool and wet all day like a toad slumbering at the bottom of a well. this was the payoff of all the troubles ive went through god this week felt like an eternity.. i had character development and evreyhting. i want to thank gorillaz i dont now if i wouldve made it this far without blasting their bopsss in my headphones. did you know they have a new album out? its called song machine and it fucks so hard. every week is like an event cause they post a music video on youtube and everyones like yeasssssssssss gorillazz i l ofve youuu and i am one of those people. in conclusion: stream song machine on all platforms
day 24 sleep? what sleep ive got 4 more hours of pure madness ahead of me and then im gonna crash and when i wake up again whenever that is im gonna reevaluate my entire everything but first im gonna slerp. i just took the morning one no time for coffee just a huge glass of ice cold water. im abt to take a leap of faith so wish me luck
day 23: wf wasnt working while i had a bit of a meltdown but i think it fits pretty well with whatever the hell is going on on The Other Site. i dont even know dude cause im so busy with work. it was about work. but everythings okay now, everythings smooth, i finally got done with the one training thing that was a nightmare haunting me taunting me with its deceptive difficulty. its over. and just as i predicted, i didnt get fired. yesterdays the last day these ppl will dare to call me slow. im the fuckin sonic of virtual assistance. just you see. just you see. as soon as someone logs in for 2 seconds to help me with the the lastpass thing aaaaaaaaa im not gonna stress out. i refuse. its just slightly annoying that they dont take this thing seriously like i cant do much of anything without that extremely simple but extremely time constrained process. just. just one second of your australian standard brisbane time (asbt) is all i need. youre not letting me unleash my power of "so fucking good at this job" and its friday on my end but its already saturday on yours so why wont you do me this one fuckin solid, mr man and company. why. im not upset about any of this btw (anymore) im just chillin and sounding dramatic
day 22 i slept for 4 hours and then got up and had a pretty stressful 2 hours of trying do do some shit at work before the obligatory clock out time, and it didnt work out but luckily nobody actually got mad, just frustration all around, so now im saving face by being like dont worry mr man [im your greatest asset] :) im gonna work around the clock in my own time to catch up and find my bearings by the end of my first week! thats my expertly crafted worksona. the company is the most important thing to him. and he just works and works and hes great at it. [the greatest]. little do mr man and his cohorts know. that off the record i dont have to worry about the amazon surveillance bullshit, so the whole time im working im watching aaanime onliiine. and theyll never know that im actually twice as productive that way. also i dunno if you can tell but i put 2 spoonfuls of coffee in my cup today. yeah thats right i drink instant. you think ive got the time to brew beans?? with all this shit ive got going on??? come on now. also im mad that that the transcription thing i signed up to is gonna take a week to review my test to start working there. are you kidding me. its 6 minutes. if you have a queue at least tell me you have a queue and tell me where i am in that queue. but dont tell me it takes you 8 days. ok enough complaining im not in a bad mood. time to tippity type
day 21 i tried to keep thoughts about the elections to a minimum but then i realized its impossible to avoid being concerned about the american empire because its an empire and as such its fate is important to the rest of the world. so thats whats been on my mind all day. work is uneventful, but pretty smooth. i had my coffee a bit late but not so late that itll keep me up late. i took my meds. im drawing. okay this might be kinda tmi but this is my blog and you should be expecting this kinda thing. so my sketchbook. i have it always by my side, its my good pal in these lonely times. but for a multitude of reasons i used to be terrified of drawing gay sex in it. NONE of which were an unwillingness to draw amazing gay sex in my awesome sketchbook. not porn. im not gonna get into the distinction rn bc i dont even know if anyone else understands OR makes the distinction. ok fuck it i will get into the distinction cause why not. its like the difference between illustrations of food for advertising that are specifically made to make you want to eat the food and thats the only or most important part of the aesthetic experience (ok pretentious). and a drawing of food with a focus on any other purpose, as part of a narrative perhaps. so i see these pieces and sketchbook pages of amazing gay artists that are *about* gay sex, but to me they dont scan in any way as titillating. its just not about that. its about emotionality, its about the faces, its about the limbs. the hands the feet. like the whole bodies plural as parts of a composition and a narrative. its like a puzzle. how do you make all these moving parts expressive, how do you give them movement. like the hair. the body hair. how do you do body hair is like asking how do you do a buncha trees in a landscape without making it look stupid. and by the way none of this has anything to do w porn and thats my exact point i have nothing against porn. i just feel like its a genre that doesnt have a lot to do with the things im talking abt here. treating and framing the subject matter differently. maybe i couldve just said that and that makes things clear enough. but im not gonna delete any of this cause i think itll be hilarious to read in like years. anyway. i filled my sketchbook with beautiful snapshots of gay sex with ornamental metaphorical roses bc im a cringe weaboo fight me about it. it was liberating and emotionally fulfilling and my life is so much better for it. i expect to fill even more pages when it strikes my fancy
day 20 coming out of my cage and ive doing just fine ive got my coffee with milk bc straight is kinda gross and i could feel it staining my teeth lol always brush your teeth esp if youre a coffee drinker thats my tip for the day. staff is talking to me on slack but im committed to not even look at it till 4 pm/5 am abst. you dont get to monopolize my time lol! im doing some digital tidying up and paperwork to get even more options cause theres no way to know if mr man will hold up his end of the deal so! also this is gonna sounds really really stupid but my life has been so much better since i started using... the windows 7 sticky notes app. i seriously never used it cause i thought it could only ever be yellow and i hate looking at yellow for more than 1 minute at a time!!! but guess what. it has a blue skin too. so i picked the blue skin. and now my life is in fuckinnnnng order bc ive got ALL my shit sorted out. hobby shit on one side, work shit on the other side. ive got a note thats all about the freelance client and then the corporate job has 2 notes, one is all about the slack posting protocol which i only found about yesterday, so thanks for that, but im glad they actually have one. the other one is a dump of stuff that could ever possibly come handy. it really helps my peace of mind to have that there. and then theres the paperwork one, so like check for specific emails, signup stuff, etc. its great. its amazing. im so happy. i am so happy. you see? there are people who have regular problems and then theres me, who doesnt have those problems and instead i have these really strange and stupid problems, but just like the others i find a way to solve them and overcome them and reach my full potential. thats what its all about
day 19 no more pain means no more painkillers means no more brain fog hurrayyy it was really really hard to get up and keep my eyelids open and i was kinda nauseous and i didnt have the energy to make myself lunch so i just made breakfast and it mustve been the closest ive ever gotten to the american thing. coffee with milk, fruit and an egg but hardboiled because i dont care how good fried eggs are, nothing beats holding a smooth round protein snack between your fingers. okay im talking and thinking about food lately so i think thats a good mindspace to be in. anyway i clock in in 3 hours but ill start talking on slack in 2 bc im still on trial and trying to prove to mr man that i am his greatest fuckin asset and this is a long shot but if i can get into his head enough to give me the authority to fix up the absolute chaos that is his airtable table then im gonna go ham on that. again really unlikely cause hes an inflexible fuck whos like noooooo dont move that thing what are you doing stop just leave things the way they aaaaaare but you know. i have hope.
day 18 im kinda high on painkillers and dont worry i didnt engage in any risky behavior with money in the end. mostly because im too much of a certified loser to do anything. if you know what im talking about then you know. i dont like to type anything specific that is money related into devices. anyway. um. i worked. i dozed off on the clock for a minute at some point so the amazon spyware was like um. hello? we are uncomfortable when we are not talking about me? *bats eyelashes* idiot machine from jeff bozo. wow im sounding like im angry but im really not im just joshin wait hold on mr man finally appeared on slack. oh my god. hes upset that me and the rest of the new guys cant get a handle on his non instructions. you know, when the most important part of the interview was "describe this process step by step" i got the slightest impression that this guy had a penchant for methodically laying out processes and systems. or at least basic communication skills. but alas. neither is present ah AH AHHH he BACKED OFF. recognizing that its perfectly reasonable that i dont know wtf hes asking me for. YA BETTER. im really gonna have to handhold this man thru the process of explaining things with words that you write. i was born ready for this. also? i got some bonus mental health points from rehydrating a dry as fuck chicken with a blanket of freshly chopped tomato, red bell pepper and olive oil. and lettuce on top for color and texture variation. ecco la trasformazione
day 17 its halloween. i got up at 6 to take the meds but then slept again till late. at lunch i dont say a single word and just mind my own business and yet i see out of the corner of my eye that theyre staring at me with seething hatred and utter disappointment. while i rinse the sauce off my plate i hear them loudly laugh at each other's racist jokes. mexicans. the japanese. arabs. in that order. i boot up my pc to check if a man literally named mr. man has replied to me on slack. he hasnt. i double check that the amazon surveillance software required for this job hasnt decided to run in the background even though its off-hours. it isnt. time to get things going
day 16 ive been doing this for 2 weeks now hell yeah im having my afternoon coffee and i clock in at 5 pm also i got a job at a company overnight huh?? everything happened so fast. i
may not have anything resembling a union but i still know that the pay is laughable and ive got no contract or anything guaranteeing that i dont get booted at any moment but is that gonna stop me from getting my shit from this guy? nope
day 15 tomorrow i up the dose - today was mostly work work and more work.. the neverending quest for one of those juicy long term things. very fulfilling. also i had coffee in the morning... thats something i want to keep doing bc i think its good?? i cant tell yet bc i literally started today. so yeah
day 14 its technically 15 already but 2 am doesnt count bc the world is dead and silent and i was soooooooooo busyyyyyy but in a good way bc work and stuffff. good things. auspicious times
day 11 things got so bad that i didnt even remember to post on day 10. but now im done self sabotaging and am picking after myself and handing in things late, cause thats objectively better than not handing them in at all. also after day 15 im gonna up the dose to 2 per day cause its either gonna have side effects that will let me switch to something better or actually start helping me, either way i dont feel that its doing much of anything rn. just a reminder
day 9 ive been aggressively self sabotaging for 3 days and i dont know how to stop. hm. thats a problem.
day 8 i almost forgot to write this thing, so not great in the memory department. also since yesterday im so out of focus its not letting me work its like i ran out of steam. im still trying to figure out how to deal with that. but at least i dont feel physically drained. imm just. i dont know what to do. also hey ive been doing this for over a week so thats a milestone!! woop woppp