kissa you

✨ rené | 20 | he/him | ⚧️⚣ | personal chatter of a hopeful romantic | art blog: dv-art

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dni

im so proud of myself for staying calm and collected under immense emotional strain... love that. this too will pass. this too will pass. this too will pass. things are gonna be alright


everything was alright. thesis, experimentation, conclusion. cause and consequence. patterns of behavior. the banality of everyday interactions. anxious cognitive distortions. you know?


hey. look at me. you are wayyyyy too fuckin good to get emotionally invested in the fact that you cant do this one task bc youre literally locked out of a company account and you dont have the keys. you dont. metaphorically im standing outside this account, and hollering at the corporate mans window like hey. i need to get in there to do 20 minutes' worth of stupid easy work. youre the only one with the key. can you let me in. so i can do te work. and he just keeps ignoring me, and at the end of the day he climbs down a stupid little spiral staircase and comes out and is like. how come you didnt do the work. and im like im locked out. and he literally said, in written words but ive had the misfortune of hearing his recorded voice, "then unlock yourself." WH- i tell you. business man brain is just good for nothing. he has another job and i dont know anything about it but the most probable thing is that hes burned out to a crisp by the time he shows up on slack and then hes falling asleep as he tells me to work on several company accounts that i dont have access to, right after i spelled out the exact situation in the most patient diplomatic way possible.

so rn im at a physical disadvantage, but this is the moment of truth where i have to exhale the biggest whatever in the universe.... whatever. ...oooohh WHATEVER. there are so many things in the world worth being mad about. this is not it. i will forget 100% of this exactly seven days from now and itll have no impact on my life. so heres the verdict.

whatever

okay

just whatever

itll work out

its fine

shrug


day 32. hey no more back pain. id been having back pain for a couple days but now its gone without me actually changing my habits. i guess even though i spend so many hours sitting i made a conscious effort not to do it extremely incorrectly anymore. tomorrow is gonna be busy bc i have to make an important call first thing in the morning and then i want to get to cutting my hair... ok what are my priorities. 1) call 2) work 3) cut hair. so i might not get to do it, but i hope i can fit it in. ok now im talking about tomorrow instead of today. today was regular. i got up 1 hour later than usual but it was the right call cause i was extra refreshed. plus i actually got to slip into sleep last night holy shit!!!!!! okay. when youre someone who is not super in harmony with their sleep cycles, i cant even describe the feeling of sleep weighing down on your whole body slowly slowly but solidly. and instead of dismissing it bc you have to fuckin stay up for some godforsaken reason which means theres no chance itll appear again for like the next 4 hours, you just let it happen. and slide down. and it comes down on you like a big heavy blanket. and since its some sort of hormonal thing, unless youre actively fighting it, it does the shutting off your thoughts for you, one by one. its progressive. but it turns off the lights one by one and you consciousness dissolves like candy in your mouth. dude. its awesome


see the beautiful thing about italian is that you hear someone say something and then you can type what it out honetically on google and thats what they said. at most you might have missed a double c or a q but the thing that is heard is how the the thing sounds is how the thing is written. and thats a luxury compared to something like english. great stuff


i swear language people will argue about the stupidest shit. take the oxford comma. everyone shut the fuck up about the oxford comma! if its less ambiguous, use it so that things are less ambiguous. if its more ambiguous, dont use it so that things are not more ambiguous.

nobody wants to be ambiguous except when they explicitly want to be ambiguous, and in that case theyre a language criminal on the run that will use any underhanded tactic to achieve their goals and cannot be trusted. but the rest of us are just trying to shoot brain laser beams at each other with a minimum amount of interference. so there


me: yeah im probably not gonna watch lupin iii part v when i get there bc it was made in 2018 and im a hipster who prefers looking at hand-drawn brushstrokes and grain to the ultra polished and glowy digital look of a lot of contemporary anime. also its set in the digital age and the technology plots were always my least favorite, theres just nothing tangible about cybercrime and its gonna be really obnoxious if lupin rattles off complicated hacking plans and keeps getting one step ahead of his enemies!... by typing gibberish into phones and computers. im just not feeling it plus the blue jacket just has nothing flamboyant about it, what are you doing wearing blue lupin? thats jigens color. even the original green pops and is not something that could be part of a businessmans uniform.

article: this series explores lupin's complicated relationship with goemon, which is different from that with jigen

me:


big snail in my backyard; extremely auspicious


day 31. things are good. i feel fine. i slept well. okay heres the thing. if you lived your formative years in a small town without a public transport system and then moved to a city and got on a bus, you know the first few times are a wild ride. its moving all over the place and youre not 100% sure where to put your hands and feet so you dont fuckin fall over. but people whove been riding the bus for years are fine. theyre not even thinking about it their body just sways along with the movement and balances itself. thats me right now. i think its called resilience. the bus doesnt stop moving just because i learned to move with it and it could still crash and if that happens ill just have to deal with it bc i wasnt at the wheel. so stability. i dont have stability yet. im not at my stop yet. the bus is moving and it can go well or it can go badly but at least im not shaking all over the place and the current level of movement isnt enough to topple me over. and thats valuable you know.


*uses a comically large hammer to destroy every single mailto: link in existence*


my splashboard's been so full of amazing art and stuff lately and it takes a lot of restraint not to reblog bc if i start then i wont stop and im doing my best to keep track of my mental and emotional energy rn, i dont know how much it takes from me to maintain socmedia.


day 30 oh my GOD a month. its only been one month. it feels like a whole year since i started. man. time compressed and expanding elastically. is this what they mean by living in the moment... maybe... its 11 am. i got a good chunk of work done. i dont think im gonna need to nap this afternoon so that gives me more time to myself. delicious. a buncha new people got hired yesterday and i think my impeccable communication skills, extremely deliberate confident tone and bubbly demeanour made them think that i know what im doing. and theyre kinda right. but i only started 2 weeks ago. so. wish i could help them more bc im a natural teacher. hah. i dont know if i had the kinda confidence to say that one year ago. thats progress. anyway. yeah ive got great rapport with several coworkers and a good chunk of solidarity. im a little bit nervous bc i had a short back and forth w a coworker about payday and i gave him the whole thing about "yeah i hope Man holds up his end of the deal" and "if anything goes wrong, i gotchu back". you know. worker solidarity. but neither Man nor anyone else can read those without first going thru this whole legal process, so its just not gonna happen. trust me. guys got other priorities. what else. oh last night despite the frickin water pressure problem i was too stubborn to miss out on the relaxing warm evening shower that i deserve, so i just heated up water on the stove and put it in a basin and leisurely washed myself with that and with a warm wet towel like it was the frickin 2nd century or something. by the way. you got a bit of dull back pain? try wrapping a warm, wet towel around your shoulders and neck. it is so relaxing i almost fell asleep like that. uh. and yeah i took a proper shower this morning. im having a normal one i think


day 29! its amazing how many things you can get done sometimes in just 2 hours. felt like time was frozen or sth. i was truly in the zone. also sorted things out w my client. things are going well. somethings wrong w the piping which means i cant take relaxing warm evening showers for now but thats just more motivation to keep up w morning showers. god its so good. hey. hey me? there has never been a good sensory day that didnt involve at least 1 shower. there are 0 downsides. im on the shower every day 4 life life. wouldnt want to live in any other era of human history before modern plumbing.


also i have a 04:47 hour long transcription to do for nine and a half blue ones hohohoho i dont know if you call them blue ones but i mean the other major cur/rency that isnt the green ones. you know the ones i mean. im a fuckin professional. i work. i do shit for money. im not gonna stop bragging about that anytime soon. this post is for the puposes of accountability


day 28 what how did i miss 2 days in a row. dont worry i take my meds like clockwork, its become a reflex unless something interrupts me in the middle of the reflex, in which case i might put down the pill, so i get through the process as fast as possible. pop the bottle open, shake out pill into hand, put water in mouth and swallow the pill with it. im insane bc sometimes ill swallow it dry bc i dont have water in my line of sight. survive adapt evolve. anyway day 26 and 27 kinda blend together bc i get up early to work, do some stuff on or off in my own time, lunch, nap and then do something else before clocking in again for the evening. it ends at 10 pm and im trying my best to sleep early you know? the important thing is that im trying and that 50% of the time when i get up i immediately shower. actually i love showering first thing in the morning so let me see if theres anything that prevents me from doing it every single day of my life since i graduated high school.

towel availability - check

water heater - check, its always hot from the night before

bathroom availability - check, im always first

the mere act of getting up - ok its kinda hard but sometimes its not hard at all. i think i need to make arrangements for a new bedside cold water bottle since i dont have my old one anymore and getting up gets sooooooooo much easier when i insta rehydrate. like rehydrated ganon

clean clothes availability - yeah i think this is the big one. cause i dont have an outfit ready every single day. so i just get out of the shower, go into my room and waste a lot of time just standing there bc i dont have a new full outfit to slip into. i cant get to te root of the problem in my current situation but i can alleviate it by setting aside 1 late morning/afternoon to shrink my laundry. progress

uhhhh i think ill meet my work goals this week, im working hard to make it happen and oh mr man keeps learning the art of words and explanations. he even put a little explanation under the fuckin obscure name of a task in the slack server. im so proud of him. lea me alone im allowed to have a tiny bit of condescending thoughts towards my informal employ/er.

in conclusion, i have all episodes of lupin iii part i on my pc for obsessive compilation purposes and it is so much better the second time around bc all of Hayao Miyazaki and Isao Takahata's brilliance is enough to wash off the bitter taste of staunch misogyny in the early eps. FACTS


i dont know if ive made this post before but fuck it ill say it till the world listens. if your hoity toity slick and smart video editing software isnt AT LEAST as good as Windows Live Movie Maker 2012, youre over HALF A DECADE behind in the game. yes its propietary software but its been discontinued for how long now? theres no way hacker crackers havent found a way to gut it for parts. if someone copied literally everything about WLMM 2012 and the ONLY 2 ADDITIONS were 1) export .mp4 and 2) import .mkv, with a stupid little menu to let you tick subtitles on or off, i would kiss them on the lips, metaphorically


im making some progress in getting this fuckin man to learn how to communicate by using clear, concise, and specific words to explain processes in chronological order and descending order of hierarchy. the power that i have


wanna cut my hair tomorrow if my busy schedule will allow it. its so weird to have it weigh down on my skull? pure excess


go ahead and put caution tape around my bed cause you must not disturb the scene that is me getting a good nights sleep m mm. iiiim sooo cozy. warm blankets in cool weather is the best thing since charcuterie (sp?)


day 25 i worked on a decent computer for the first time in months or it mightve been a year and uhh lets just say its great for my self esteem and sanity to have access to tools that actually help me do things. so yeah. also it rained and it was very nice and cool and wet all day like a toad slumbering at the bottom of a well. this was the payoff of all the troubles ive went through god this week felt like an eternity.. i had character development and evreyhting. i want to thank gorillaz i dont now if i wouldve made it this far without blasting their bopsss in my headphones. did you know they have a new album out? its called song machine and it fucks so hard. every week is like an event cause they post a music video on youtube and everyones like yeasssssssssss gorillazz i l ofve youuu and i am one of those people. in conclusion: stream song machine on all platforms


sometimes painful things happen and then good things happen and this is not because theres a divine mandate for righteous suffering to reach the gates of heaven on earth but because youre a warm animal trying to nest in a world that just goes and goes and goes on


IM CRUSHING ITTT IM SO FUCKIN GOOD AT THIS. LITTLE MANS GONNA WAKE UP TOMORROW AND BE LIKE HOOWOOOAH? I THOUGHT YOU WERE BAD AT THIS. AND ILL BE LIKE. "Thanks :)" AND MOVE ON SATISFIED WITH HAVING THOROUGHLY ESTABLISHED MY DOMINANCE


im so tired that my bones hurt but its not over yet. its not. just al ittle longer. i gotta hold on. i gotta perform a series of simple tasks. i can do this. i can breathe. i can do this


brb about to prove a point


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