kissa you

✨ rené | 20 | he/him | ⚧️⚣ | personal chatter of a hopeful romantic | art blog: dv-art


6/9/2020: what i thought was an auditory hallucination borne from having to listen to endless arguing through my bedroom wall turned out to be real. every couple days they repeat a single phrase together in a low, monotone voice for hours. hours. i stuck my ear to the walls, to the doors. i cant understand the words. in between sections they play a loud binaural tone.

they havent been actively religious in years.

today she told me that the poison would cure a cut in my mouth better than hydrogen peroxide

thoughts reblogged thoughts
thoughts -

couple days ago i downloaded sony vegas 11 and ive been editing a 4 minute long transformers amv. im now at the stage where i just want to get it over with but ill keep pushing bc its amazing

thoughts -

@babushka i got a crack + keygen from this page, here the ISPs dont detect piracy or anything but i know thats different in other countries!!

couple days ago i downloaded sony vegas 11 and ive been editing a 4 minute long transformers amv. im now at the stage where i just want to get it over with but ill keep pushing bc its amazing

im safe now :)

went a bit crazy and added a ton more paper cutouts to the cover of my sketchbooks. yes. yes. yes....


update on the uh. poison situation. ive had no problem pouring the poison water bottle into my regular water bottle and bringing that one into the shower with me to pour it all out into the drain. only disadvantage is that i cant drink from my regular water bottle anymore. oh well. this is way smoother than i expected. still. having to induce nausea is pretty terrible bc nausea is terrible. the real deal is yet to come. tomorrow...

batman: tas batman sleeps in pyjamas but with the mask still on. zoom out and catwoman is doing the same thing and is clinging to him. even more zoom out and joker and harley quinn are also there.

then it cuts to alfred whos still awake in the kitchen trying to perfect a recipe and it looks amazing, but there are bats outside the big tall windows trying to get in and thats distracting. its like 3 am. joker walks in like he owns the place and talks way too loud and takes the cup of coffee that was supposed to be for bruce.

bruce is so pissed off about the coffee that he goes out as batman to moodily swing around the city with robin and complains about having to put up with the three of them (possibly a polycule???) and robin just nods along meanwhile his internal dialogue is like "but you're the one who brought them in"

(this was just the last dream, the rest are below)

first a novel about a kid who wanted to be a theater triple threat against his parents wishes and there were a lot of trains and train stations with a slate blue palette, and hats/headgear acted as symbolism for occupations/your place in society so it was up to me, his whimsical young adult friend and train employee, to deliver a purple wig to him and say something motivational.

then a futuristic apocalypse in a big white-blue mall with a lot of chrome and clear glass and a huge drugstore section where the vibrant colors of the products popped out. people used makeshift colorful weapons to raid it for medicine sinc that was scarce. there were way too many people trying to get in and it was very confusing. then we took it outside and it turned into the standard urban chase dream.

third was hannah montana before her rise to fame hired a camera crew to film a music video in her neighborhood and they told her that camera operating was a cutthroat business bc once they signed a contract they couldnt stop rolling the camera without being told to and they couldnt tell anyone about what they witnessed. one guy said he had to film someone mess up their fingers. and hannah was just like. wow im just a teenager i didnt know the truth abt showbiz...

he man the funniest episode compilation

transcript below bc some of these voices are friggin impossible

Evil-Lyn: Skeletor, where are you? I have news!

Skeletor: I was feeding my pets, Evil-Lyn! This'd better be important.


Orko: Is this it? I don't see the Magic Falls!

Attak Trak: These are the coordinates that you gave me. If this isn't the right place, it's not my fault; I tried.


Cave Door: Speak the magic word, friend. Then, enter.

Orko: But what kinda magic word? I mean, what's the password? What am I supposed to do, say "please, let me in"?

Cave Door: As a matter of fact, yes... Even a door likes a little politeness now and then.


Orko: Now that we're inside, it's clear sailing to the Magic Falls.

Attak Trak: Every time you say that, Orko, something goes wrong.

Orko: Not *every* time!


He Man: Like I've always said, Orko, if you can't get to the bridge... then bring the bridge to you!


He Man: Come on, Trak, you're next!

Attak Trak: You're sure it's safe?

He Man: We won't know for sure until you're across.

Attak Trak: I wish I hadn't asked.


Gatekeeper: I am the gatekeeper! I can take you everywhere and anywhere! Or was that "anyplace and everywhere"? Well, perhaps someplace and no place-


Royal Guard: Now then, you said you have a request for the king?

Kobra Khan (in human disguise): Yessss...

Royal Guard: What?

Kobra Khan: I mean... yes.

i love skeletor. sometimes hell be like "he man you dont get it. being evil is fun" and youre supposed to be like hohoho hes so wrong and misguided. which he is. but! it does look like fun. plundering powerful and dubious artifacts. summoning some ancient demon. putting his nemesis thru ridiculous gauntlets to coerce him into taking him to grayskull (not that he doesnt know the way. he just cant get past the sorceress' latest gen magical home security suite). its a dynamic lifestyle. high risk high reward. not even that high risk cause he knows he man will always let him run away and nobodys showing up at snake mountain to hold him accountable for his numerous crimes. king

alright so heres the thing and its gonna sound like the craziest thing ever, and it might be just that, but im currently being unknowingly poisoned. yes unknowingly as in the poisoner does not know that they are indeed poisoning me. no ill will or intent all around, its just. its just a thing that is now happening in this fucking crazy life that im IN.

however, i do care about my health, so, heres what i have to do. i have to keep pretending that im taking... the poison. but throw it away instead. somehow. okay. here are my openings:

1-go outside and pour it into the grass

2-go to the kitchen and pour it into the sink

3-go to the bathroom and pour it into the sink

now, i have to smart about this. i cannot slip up, not even once. so its really not sustainable to just keep doing this for however long they keep at it. so my goal is to make them stop. heres how im gonna make them stop.

tomorrow, nothing. the day after, nothing. on thursday, ill vomit. i know how to induce vomiting. too much water and then with the finger. i think i can pull up some videos so i can do the sympathy thing.

if that doesnt make them stop, ill make myself gag at lunch on friday. and play up the nausea that i already get occasionally. then, we'll see. we'll see how the fuck this fucking utter madness turns out.

i can do this. im a survivor. im a stubborn fuckin cockroach and im not gonna let myself get poisoned. this is the year when i learn to finesse my way out of a life threatening situation. oh honey. its happening.




OK ONE LAST THING i have nothing against performers. performers are artists and their bodies are the canvas from which so much emotion and inspiration can spring forth. it just pisses me off that on this day and age beauty standards limit the diversity of bodies (real human beings) that audiences get to see on screen, telling big important stories. thats it

ok this is gonna sound like utter nonsense but somehow ive realized what the thing is with me and animation and live action. i prefer animated stuff so so so much because it can look literally however you want. but live action? its trying to be real or realistic. except when its explicitly trying to be heightened and unreal, which i prefer over more realistic stuff. and ok this applies most to mainstream stuff cause i know there are ppl out there pushing the medium to its boundaries. but the mainstream. heres how i see it.

it shows me footage and tells me: "this is real". and i cant help but be like "no its not. stop trying to tell me that this is real on any level. i know its not". and by that i mean that if there isnt something else to distract me then all i see is laboring bodies on screen. idealized bodies, selected from a subset of society that diets and works out to keep that unreal shape.

and i hear you say: look for works with more diverse body types. but let me get to the face. theyre also idealized. theyre conventionally attractive, even if they have one or two deviant flaws those just add interest or iconicity to a conventional package.

but wait, thats not a fabrication. there are indeed conventionally attractive people out there. im just saying, theyre probably not you or me or our friends and families. well maybe youre one of them, but be honest, how many ppl in your circle and environment look like movie stars? most of them? nah.

ill go one step further: heres the real fabrication. no real person really looks like a movie star because none of us spend hours in the makeup chair creating an impossible face. and now shapewear is popular. but its still not like an everyday thing. at least men dont go around dehydrating themselves and oiling up just to emphasize their six packs.

all this to say. what is so much of live action film/tv? fake bodies and faces that they keep telling you its real with the same transparent obstinacy of advertisement and porn. conventionally attractive people telling the stories of/for the whole rest of the world. rich people, more often than not. a stylist gives them an impeccable hairdo and then touches it some more to simulate some messiness. not too much tho, just enough to make reference to the idea of carelessness.

it can be impeccable yet mechanical at the same time. you can leave a camera running in front of these glamorous bodies and get footage that way, get your product.

but with animation? im not looking at bodies on screen. if celebrities want to exercise vanity then all they have is their voices, and that can only get them so far. suddenly their bodies are just as invisible as those of the animators, the designers, concept artists, illustrators, editors, etc.

basically all im saying is the standard mechanics of live action media distract me from the entertainment by making me think abt how we live in a society, while animation is my jam because im an artist and even the most low effort animation puts the artists at the forefront, not by flaunting their bodies, just their creations. and that makes me feel some good type of way

its really not inconceivable that i have a stress headache from the weight of the world on my shoulders with all the stupid shit thats goin on in my life rn. its non stop attacks on my health. the emotional, spiritual, intellectual. so what if im eating bread and cheese drinking a cup of rosemary and chamomile tea with advocaat watching imdb's top rated he man episodes. at least here alone in the dead of the night in darkness and silence im at peace

rip to the rubber eyedropper thing i decimated over the course of two days.. need to get a proper silicone stim toy or so help me god

you did good you did good you did good dont start with the critical thoughts without aknlowledging first that you did good and you finally read it.

still,, it took me five hours. and now its nine pm. and shes probably asleep. and what she wrote is "what can i do to help?". i know its great right???? its great. except i dont know. i dont know how to reply to that. i dont know what she can do to help me because the fucking therapist cant. shes giving me practical tools to apply to reality right now, technically, kind of. but not tools to accomodate my shit to do schoolwork. not yet. thats like an advanced thing. and thats a problem because thats like the most pressing thing in my life right now. i just. i just fffffffffff

progress. its progress. its progress. its forward. im not stuck. im not frozen in a living hell unchanging. its good. its good but dammit i dont know what to tell her. i have to talk to the therapist first and thats tomorrow, and. whatever. we'll figure it out. itll be fine. ITS FINE SHE DIDNT say anything other that HOW CAN I HELP YOU thats an AMAZING thing. im surrounded by people. who want to help me. god. god. i just need to wait. i just need. to wait. just wait. just wait. just.

tomorrow. we figure it out tomorrow. i just have to eat and sleep now. eat and then sleep.

im just. i just want to read a text without feeling a fucknig wave of excruciating pain. it doesnt work. it doesnt work when you tell me that the pain is in anticipation of something horrible that in the end doesnt happen. its not that. it hurts WHILE im reading a harmless string of words. i get all fucking fucked up leading up to it because its PAINFUL and i HATE that. i HATE IT. i just want everyone to shut the fuck up and stop talking to me!!! tw: suicidal ideation

i just want to stop talking to people and die and stop existing i just want to stop. and i hate that. because thats insane mentally ill bullshit. and tis not gonna happen. its not gonna happen. im just stuck.

i hsve te app open!!! the conversation open!!! progress!! progress!!!! im not looking at iit yetbut i will. just give me a minute to prepare. and relax. its not very llong. the opener is very nice and polite. uhhhjjh.


im halfway thru the process already. i SENT the TEXT i already did that and it was GREAT its PROGRESS CONGRATULATIONS now can you PLEASE pick up the phone. unlock it. whatsapp is already open. just look. just read. just look at it. just read what she replied. shes NOT gonna be angry, or disappointed?, shes not sick of you, youre not a burden or dragging everyone along with your bullshit, its fine, its all fine, its all gonna work out fine you jsut have to READ WHAT SHE WROTE

thoughts reblogged babushka
babushka -

a lot of tiktok povs are dedicating to transformations (from nerd to a hottie, from the good guy to the bad guy and vice versa), almost all of them include removing glasses, other stereotypes and people changing basically overnight and then being completely confident and natural in their new look.

i wanna make a tiktok about a girl who does such a makeover, then gets uncomfortable with it and decides to switch back to what's comfortable for her and what she likes as "im a bitch, i'm a boss" plays in a background

thoughts reblogged star-rice
megafauna -

how tf do you study fashion for character design cause I really gotta but I have no clue where to even start

katiebirdie -

a lady i follow on tumblr described her process and basically she says you should

a) learn about different terms for specific styles like "bohemian" or "punk" that relate to your characters' personality or your idea of their style so you know what to search for,

b) collect all related/similar terms to those styles and keep them save somewhere so you know what the range in terms there is, and

c) build a reference folder of clothes in those styles to either take inspiration form or use wholesale, since it's not uncommon for artists to just use actual clothing-- i think the sailor moon manga is pretty well known for just using runway looks for the villains. she also said that pinterest, while overall terrible, is a good site for this since it has a big fashion scene and you can make individual pages for each character to pin things too. if you don't want to use it though you can also literally just go to actual clothing websites and save/take screenshots of the clothing you like in that category and save it to a folder on your computer.

autiestella -

also!! if aim create a specific subculture look: look into where first sprung from, how became popular, even typical music tastes & more - subculture able show lot abt character, if put together right :D

will also find if learn lot of one subculture, will start learn others too, just cause lot of influence & bounce between!

i watched a rlly cool anime and i need to talk abt it 😊❤️💕

its called!! Ai no Gakkou Cuore Monogatari (literally The Story of Heart, School of Love) which can i just say is such a delightfully blunt title. its based on a book from the 1880's but i think its so much better and ill tell u why in a sec.

its about this class of italian schoolboys. they have a nice teacher and sometimes to mix things up he tells them these morality tales. thats about it. its all cutesy and soft and sentimental. simplicity at its best.

like half the eps are character studies of each important kid as the protag gets to know them. and somethin i appreciate is that all of them have distinct faces, head shapes and bodies and NOT ONE of them is the designated "ugly" one.

the rest of the eps are like. the parade. someone has family drama. the bully kid bullies someone and then we support the victim. oop time for an epic morality tale. outdoors summer fun. the circus.

its SO chill esp compared to the book which flipflops between mundane playdates or trips and sudden death, illness or bloody accidents (thats not bad per se, i just have a problem with the way it frames some of this violence and suffering).

so the anime takes all this material, a character moment only mentioned in passing becomes a whole scene, disconnected stories get rearranged and tied together, and BAM the whole package turns out fuller, rounder and more cohesive.

the last 4 episodes are the most loosely adapted because... in the book the bully gets expelled. the protag thinks he'll probably go into the juvie and we never see or hear from him again. ?? okay???

i dont wanna spoil it but that is NOT what happens. like, at all. its very. very very different. its not like he "gets" redeemed, okay. redemption or character development or change can only come from the inside. thats all im gonna say. its the specifics of the story that are rlly touching and sweet and, again, pure sentimentalism.

and even tho its just at the very end i rlly think it elevates the whole show!!! bc the story does not have the same impact disconnected from everything that happened before. recontextualization, thats what it is. its GREAT. its great. i love it

wait shit i wrote the post but then i didnt post it and also gotta reply to a message FUCKk dont get mad. its no big deal its really nothing i ended up remembering and thats good. im just gonna do both things in rapid succession, now