kissa you

✨ rené | 20 | he/him | ⚧️⚣ | personal chatter of a hopeful romantic | art blog: dv-art

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my sleep paralysis demon (a japanese ghost from a nonexistent videogame) just cradled my face and planted a soft kiss on top of my head. love u girl... come back...


day 39 dude that one started with a bang (in a bad way) and then i was just in problem solving mode for hours and hours until i ran out of brain and the elements got to me so i was unconscious for most of it. thats just. a huge mess. but at least there was no external conflict

now its day 40 and hey wow i had trouble sleeping bc i had done so much of it durign the day yesterday but then got some uninterrupted hours before waking up early so refreshed. not like fake refreshed that lasts 2 hours before you crash, like actually refreshed. the ghost of sleep hormones are sated and gone and i cant call them back by lying down relaxed for a while. thats the first weird thing. the second weird thing is that i woke up and drank like a liter of water. thats not the weird part hydrating is important. but when i was done i was still ridiculously hungry. which is great bc that means im not messing with that metric with just water. and i ate a bunch of stuff. notably like half a bagette and half a can of canned pineapple. dont ask me why the half motif. anyway. im continuing to solve a couple of problems today and goddamn is it annoying to have to deal with something that cant possibly be tied up and forgotten about within a day or two. thats my fatal flaw. my aversion to the protracted messes that are nothing but natural in life


i think i had something close to a heatstroke today bc i was so confused n lethargic. i know for sure its not complications from the head bump cause its almost vanished and no bruise or anything. always bet on immediate ice packs


what are some of humanities most ambitious pursuits? fame, success or everlasting love. or perhaps maybe just to be able to go over to someones house and hang out at the couch with our shoes off


suspenseful morning of will they wont they.. oh fucjkkk now that im not actively occupied with some shit its my only chance to get to draw thse things ive been wanting to draw for days!!!!!!


i fuckning got up to turn off my alarm and hit ymy fucking foregeasd afainst the corner of my open window aaaafjhjfuck i hvent looked in a mirror yet but i can feeekl the fuckin massive bumpp whoile im aoolideing an icepack to it im typing with one hand

GOOD MONRNING UH


day 38. busy.


misspellings of long words are never not gonna be funny to me bc i know theyre totally justified and i feel you

a list of words that i can never spell right when typing moderately fast:

-environment

-quantitative/qualitative

-probability/possibility

-simultaneous

-experimental

-conspicuous

-variability

-evolutionary

they hit me with those arities and ilities and i just keysmash and go back to right click-suggestions it later


this morning i know im gonna be okay.


day 37 it started out okay and then it got worse and worse and worse and worse but at least it was just a bloody free for all with the demons in my head and not the ones that walk around this house


why pray tell are both of my computers slow as shit and the internet is slow as shit and google keeps making me do captchas because of "suspicious activity in my network" and when i click on the link to download audacity it doesnt work :)


tw i mentally snapped. dont read this im horrified at myself


insane hours, unhinged hours, unfulfilled hours, stifled hours, closeted hours, fuckers insist im so ungrateful for all the things that i never wanted. im so materialistic for the only things that can change my material situation for the better. it doesnt matter how many times and in how many ways i say and demonstrate that sitting around and doing nothing is agony. i obviously love to do that and all i want to do is to do that and i love taking advantage of people LMAO FUCKING IMBECILES. im so obviously perfectly capable of continuing with my studies I JUST DONT WANT TO BECAUSE IM LAZY AND IM SOOO SPOILED AND I JUST WANT TO GET EVERYTHING HANDED TO ME WITHOUT MAKING EFFORT AND SACRIFICIES ILL FUCKING KILL BOTH OF YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS ILL BASH YOUR FUCKING HEADS INTO A FUCKING WALL AND RIP YOUR SPINE OUT THROUGH YOUR FUCKING SKIN AND PULL OUT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FUCKING TEETH AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH god. god. god. there is no god. stop thinking about killing them. thats not going to solve anything. thats only going to make everything worse, yes worse than they are now, yes worse than theyve been at the worst of times. its not worth it. its not worth it.


i probably just need to take out a loan to buy a proper fucking phone that can run fucking applications and has a working fucking headphone jack so i can call friends with the smallest fucking level of privacy and occasionally maybe even take and post a photo on social media. can you fucking imagine lol??? and also get into a contract with a national company for a remote dead end job so they periodically put a pathetic amount of money in my acct that i can take out and use. for goods and services. fucking god


tw: talk abt running away with all that it implies. sorry i had to allow myself ONE thought about running away per day because otherwise itll keep festering in my brain.


i can only do it after the plague subsides in the capital and id have to buy a bus ticket and somehow sneak out to take that bus. then i wouldve taken out a loan so i can pay for some kind of housing. unless ive somehow managed to make a committed friend thatd let me sleep in a corner. and probably a new phone in case theyre smart enough to try to track me and rat me out to the goddamn cops. then first thing i need is to sort out my bank situation. and then somehow if the cops are still not there then id literally just work to save up money. probably to move to a second location. the bigger capital? its an urban dystopian hellhole but id seriously rather get killed or maimed by strangers or an indifferent system cause i know its not personal. okay. now i have it out of my system


goemon in my dreams again :) jigen too. wtf my brain is so powerful. unlucky for me i was lupin and they bailed on me when the tanks came. i found them at the central park in little italy, new york and i was like how could you do this to me. but then i realized the park was a good idea bc it was full of people and like. kids playing hoop and stick. so they couldnt bring the tanks in there. did we get away? probably.


day 36 my last update was 4 days ago?? fuck dude. if theres one thing ive learned from this is that i dont know what kind of person it takes to be able to journal every single day including periods of extreme emotional distress. like... how do you make words come out of your brain. how do you even remember that journaling is a thing that youve been doing. i just dont have that level of clarity when im really really really really going through it and it kinda makes me think that it may not be just some sort of crippling anxiety that ruins my attempts to stay in touch w people. anxious thinking is what keeps me from going through the motions of heyy sorry i blacked out of existence for a bit but im trying to do this again. but i dont think its anxious thinking that makes me black out in the first place. i think its just that when im fucked up to hell i cant do shit, whether thats communicating or just typing words risk free commitment free accountability free into my mini echo chamber. just food for thought. i did make some other posts in the meantime. a couple of fleeting thoughts and feelings in the middle of question marks and sea foam. anyway. i dont think these meds are doing jack shit! i think its just the coffee. but thats not a terrible discovery. caffeine might just be my placeholder. life saver until better things come to pass


when marina and the diamonds said tv taught me how to feel now real life has no appeal it has no appeal it has no appeal it has no appeal it has no appeal it has no appeal


crazy and amazing that you can put amulets on your body to shapeshift irl. i want it so bad


made a mistake and im about to find out out what coffee and tea mixed together tastes like. good morning?


okay i need a plan. heres my plan. sleep till lunch. then after lunch i start working 4 the client. then whatever happens happens.


man i wish i was a i dont know how telling it is that ive been trying to figure out what to put here bc i keep getting distracted by daydreaming abt fantasy lives. escapism so much escapism and yet i cant escape. i missed my quick falling sleep window last night and then kept thinking about the kinda thing that i think about in these kinda times which is running away. except its even more implausible now. but i just keep thinking about it. i just keep thinking about it

having quite the neuro atypical day


hmm hmmm today i will get yelled at a lot. not looking forward to it


*receives a couple of kind words from strangers* oh im gonna live to fulfill all my dreams :)


things are gonna get hard but ill get through it and ill make it to the other end and things are gonna work out. thats how it goes. that is how it goes


im so proud of myself for staying calm and collected under immense emotional strain... love that. this too will pass. this too will pass. this too will pass. things are gonna be alright


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