✨ rené | 20 | he/him | ⚧️⚣ | personal chatter of a hopeful romantic | art blog: dv-art ✨
day 15 tomorrow i up the dose - today was mostly work work and more work.. the neverending quest for one of those juicy long term things. very fulfilling. also i had coffee in the morning... thats something i want to keep doing bc i think its good?? i cant tell yet bc i literally started today. so yeah
day 14 its technically 15 already but 2 am doesnt count bc the world is dead and silent and i was soooooooooo busyyyyyy but in a good way bc work and stuffff. good things. auspicious times
GOD I LOVE THIS.I LJUST LOVE IT. I JUST. LIKE. OH MY GOD. NOT LIKE IN A SYCOPHANTIC WAY. ITS NOT ABOUT THE SYSTEM. JUST DOING SHIT. JUST DOING SHIT AND GETTING PAID. I WOULDVE LOVED TO HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS. BAGGAGE AND ALL. BECAUSE I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH OF MY BAGGAGE JUST COMES FROM BEING DENIED THIS FUCKIN TANGIBLE THING, TANGIBLE CHANGE IN MY LIFE. I DO THE THING AND THEN I DECIDE WHAT TO DO WITH THE THING. NO BORROWING. NO FAVORS. NO GUILTTRIPS. NO CRIES OF ENTITLEMENT AND ENDLESS ENDLESS BULLSHIT. CLIMBING OUT OF PLATOS GODDAMN ALLEGORY OF THE CAVE OF MATERIAL RELATIONS WITH THE REST OF THE WORLD. I NEVER WANT TO STOP. I NEVER WANT TO STOP WITH THIS. IM PROLLY GONNA HAVE ANOTHER OOPS ALL EXEC DYSFUNCT MOMENT, BUT THATS NOT GONNA STOP ME. IT CANT STOP ME. I CAN MAKE SHIT WORK DESPITE OF IT. I CAN MAKE SHIT WORK
SOME PEOPLE WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THAT SOMETIMES I WANT TO DO SOMETHING LIKE MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT AND YET WHEN I TELL MY BODY TO MOVE AND DO IT IT DOESNT MOVE BECAUSE THERES SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY FUCKING BRAIN AND THATS THEIR FUCKING PROBLEM AND NOT MINE. ITS NOT WILLPOWER OR ATTITUDE. I HAVE SO MUCH FUCKING WILLPOWER AND ATTITUDE THAT IT PUTS PEOPLE OFF. ITS NOT A SHITTY PERSONALITY. EXECUTIVE DYSFUNCTION IS NOT MY PERSONALITY. NEVER WAS. NEVER WILL. MOTHERFUCKER. MY PERSONALITY IS NON STOP CRAZY AND IN A GOOD WAY. IM A FUCKING GENIUS. I CAN DO ANYTHING. IM SO GODDAMN KNOWLEDGABLE AND SKILLED. I WILL BITE AND CLAW MY WAY TO HAPPINESS SO GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY OR ILL GET YOU OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY CAUSE I ALREADY KNOW THAT EXISTENCE FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME IN THIS JOKERIFYING SOCIETY IS AN ORDEAL AND I AM NOT AFRAID
how do i put this. i woke up to go the bathroom. and. the first thing i see with my own two eyes is the face of lupin iii. like the drawing. like. hes there. hes moving. hes smirking. i saw it. and then him and the gang walked away from the center of my vision into my periphery and melted away. AND... i went to the bathroom??? and they were all over the tiles...i just sat there and stared at the tile patterns that looked exactly like portraits of lupin iii characters. im losing braincells just writing this down but its true. man. okay. okay
thats the sound of i have so much fucking intergrity and my meat is stratospheric. damn. changing lives left and right. also my shit is on high demand and everyone wants me so uuuuuuuh your argument is invalid
ojkay okay okay. okay okay okay. i have never i coulve never imagined that i would be able to feel some sort of insane euphoria from HANDING IN SHIT LATE, aka MY WORST (okay i definitely straightened out my priorities and i stopped caring a whiile ago, but i still have bad memories from when i cared too much) NIGHMATER, AND YET HERE I AM, jsut GRINNING and im like YEAH. I GOT YOU THE SHIT. AND ITS LATE. BUT I GOT YOU THE SHIT. AND ITS THE BEST SHIT YOU COULD EVER GET IN THIS POSITION AND CIRCUMSTANCES. like.... i love myself. im 20 fucking years old. i do a job. and i make mistakes. and my brain isnt working good so that makes me mess up shit and miss the god damn deadline. but i learn from my mistakes. and in my life story theres a chapter that says i got my first fuckin job ever and the first week went great. and then the second week i missed the deadline by 2 fuckin days. and the next thing that that thing says, is, it can be 2 things, its like a choose your own adventure book. it either says that the person was like ok well youre my best option anyway so youre keeping the job, OR they were like ok fuck that im gonna look for someone else, and i just lost my first job on the second week. but does that make me sad? do the little pixel letters in the white and sky blue chat in the labor grinding machine parlour have the power to occupy my thoughts outside of when im staring at them for a few moments?
oh my god i REFUSE. nah. nuh uh. nil. dont even. no. it does not.
because its an instant funny story. first job. lost it on the second week. oh my god were you upset? nope.
i love failing. okay this is sounding so deranged but hear me out. i love failing. its so good. at like these things. im not talking abt shit that threatens my livelihood, im talking about getting up, trying something out, fucking up, and then i eat and orange and go to sleep. its soooooo great. just doing some shit without some goddamn ghoul poised in a position to punish you for failure. emotionally. im talking about emotionally loaded shit. you know. that institution shit. fucking hate that shit.
its like.... you have no power over me. god. empowering. yeah. im so empowered right now bro
day 11 things got so bad that i didnt even remember to post on day 10. but now im done self sabotaging and am picking after myself and handing in things late, cause thats objectively better than not handing them in at all. also after day 15 im gonna up the dose to 2 per day cause its either gonna have side effects that will let me switch to something better or actually start helping me, either way i dont feel that its doing much of anything rn. just a reminder
day 9 ive been aggressively self sabotaging for 3 days and i dont know how to stop. hm. thats a problem.
day 8 i almost forgot to write this thing, so not great in the memory department. also since yesterday im so out of focus its not letting me work its like i ran out of steam. im still trying to figure out how to deal with that. but at least i dont feel physically drained. imm just. i dont know what to do. also hey ive been doing this for over a week so thats a milestone!! woop woppp
dude come on it would be so sweet if i got either of these VA long term positions. i even shelled out some of my hard earned money to up the ranking of my posts... literally dont care about the pay, i just wanna pay for certifications and put a name on my profile. lets do this
dont get flustered. dont make it personal. this is strictly business. im not even taking up 20% of their attention rn, theyre just fuckin sipping on a coffee and watching tv and theyre copying and pasting the questions from a spreadsheet that tells them if a yes/no question rules out the candidate. its. just. machines.
day 5: i wake up very late feeling like i just came back from a fight. i feel like my body wanted to get up earlier cause i kept waking up from exhausting dreams, but the heat. weighs down on me and is exhausting... its never been so hot so early this year. i need cold water and a shower and then more cold water
the reason why its dry as fuck in freelancer land is because its saturday night. tomorrow is probably gonna be even more bone dry. its not that theres no work and there never will be work ever again. ok. now to take a shower and call it a day
oh my god i looked up the writer for this one episode and he only did this ONE episode. what the fuck. and then he just did ultraman and godzilla shit. huh. like he really needed to get that everythingphobia out of his system
it would be nice to curate a list of lupin iii eps that dont have some sort of insane bigotry inserted into them
i fuckin love my face today, i dunno. narcissism off the charts. likeee. i just love my hair, my forehead, my eyes, my eyebrows, my nose, my cheeks, my lips, my teeth, my chin, my neck. my ears. LIKE. i just know that when cishets see me they immediately think "oh honey you would be sooo pretty if you grew out that d**e hair into a straight passing cut and plucked your eyebrows and got braces and lost weight and wore makeup!!!" (real shit that humans have said) and im just sitting here like. why would i turn into something that i wouldnt even want to fuck.
just sent my first paid work. i mean it still needs to be paid. when the client wakes up. cuz. they told me saturday monrning, and i sent it at exactly 7 am o clock italian time, because, im awesome like that. anyway. theres no way they can find any fault in that thing. its literally perfection. so i will be taking my first ufcking work money gained through the exchange of labor for currency in my fucking like, thank you.